Notorious

Closure

I've always loved the sea.

The mysteriousness of how endless it seems, the feeling of the sand between my toes, the calming waves, the salty air... It reminds me of simpler times.

Times spent in the sand with my brother and my mom after dad left. When she would take us to the beach every weekend to try to cheer us up, to try to make us forget we'd been abandoned.

Of course we didn't forget, but we acted like we did for her sake. We built sandcastles and played footy and tried to pretend that things were normal.

I was happy here once upon a time.

But, I'm not happy anymore.

And that's what I need to change.

We are not given an inherently good or bad life, we are just given a life. And it is up to us whether it's good or bad.

And I'm tired of choosing to live a bad life.

I can feel my pulse on my tongue. Steady and fast. Sand molds to my feet and settles between my toes as I take determined steps towards the noise barely audible over the roaring waves ahead.

Laughter, music, distinct voices booming over the crowd.

It's chilly out, but only because the sea is so close and the breeze is biting -the air giving off a whiff of salt than you can taste when you lick your lips.

I see a fire just before the roaring waves, a small crowd gathered around it just before the cliff that separates the beach from the caves.

I hear it then, just a few yards away, floating towards me and making me stumble in my trek. The raspy and quick laughter, deep and familiar and making my heart flutter in my chest.

My brain tells me to turn back, to just leave without saying anything.

But, my heart knows better.

My heart is what keeps me walking towards the party. My heart is telling me I need to say goodbye.

Clo·sure/noun: a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.

Harry's -"hey, I'm not guilty of murder" party.

Niall's idea, of course.

So I keep walking, the figures at the party becoming clearer and my insecurities growing as they do. Crop tops and summer dresses even though the bitter ocean air is sharp. The urge to turn around has never been stronger as I glance down at my boyfriend jeans and a sweater that keeps slipping off my shoulder.

I look homeless. It's almost laughable.

Almost.

I'm approaching the tent they have set up when this girl stumbles by me in a bikini -even though you would never swim in the freezing angry waves - and I do turn around, all my courage diminished and feeling completely out of place, only to slam right into someone standing awfully close behind me.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, I wasn't- Aspen?!"

The voice is gratingly familiar and I finally glance up at the long dark locks, the soft brown eyes, the summer dress and I feel my stomach plummet even further.

"Amanda, hi."

She smiles wide and carefree, eyes slightly glazed over and drink sloshing around in her hand. When she speaks it's slightly slurred and with the party so loud behind me I have to strain my ears to hear.

"Thank god you're here! Harry has been in the worst mood all night and I know you can cheer him up."

She is obviously unaware that Harry and I aren't exactly on speaking terms and I choose not to break it to her. Mostly because she won't remember tomorrow, but also because I just don't want her to know he's single.