Notorious

Dor

*EARLYISH UPDATE SO MAKE SURE YOU'VE READ "REINVENT"*

Those sappy love songs that play on the radio never really made sense to me.

Until I fell in love with Aspen.

I was never able to connect with the heart-wrenching breakup songs that my mother adored.

Until I lost Aspen.

Now I understand both much too clearly.

There is a hollowness in my heart that makes every beat sound meaningless, empty. Like the life has been sucked right out of me and now my body is just going through the motions.

Keeping me alive, without really living.

Though the pain can sometimes pull me in like a high tide at night and drown my with its grief and sorrow, I remain numb for most of the day.

I go to practice and go out with the lads and write songs and live my life like normal except that nothing is normal. Nothing can ever be normal again.

Because even though it's been nearly three months, there is still a purple toothbrush in a cup by my sink and rose scented shampoo in my shower, a pair of white knickers under my bed, and a lone dangly earring on my bedside table.

Nothing touched, nothing moved, as if Aspen could walk back in my door any day now and pick up where we left off.

But, the sun rises and there sun sets and yet my world is still shrouded in darkness.

I've felt like I've been missing something for months now and I know it's her.

"Hey, Haz, you ready?"

I'm startled out of my stupor when Liam walks around the tent to where I've been hiding out all night -sitting on a crate and watching the sun set and trying to ignore the terrible ache in my chest.

But, Liam looks about as uncomfortable as I feel in his tight-fitted suit. He's looking at me, but his eyes are faraway and in one quick motion he is ripping off his tie and unbuttoning the first few buttons of his white dress shirt.

"Niall isn't going to approve, Liam." I scold, but he just rolls his eyes at me.

"Niall can fuck off," He gestures toward me with furrowed brows, "If you can have your shirt practically unbuttoned to your navel then so can I."

And maybe it's the annoyed way he said it or the pout on his face or the way he rolls his eyes that are just a few shades darker than Aspen's, but he has never looked more like his sister and I have to quickly look away -the wind howling through my hollow heart.

"Have the bride and groom come down yet?"

Liam shuffles next to me, "They're on the way now," He sighs deep in his chest, and I glance up to see him frowning deeply, "Tell me why Niall is making us perform at a wedding? This is going to ruin our image."

I laugh deeply, for the moment, completely distracted from my heartbreak as Liam continues to grumble about the frilliness of the wedding and the suit he was forced to wear.

I have to admit, when Niall first suggested we perform at this wedding I thought it was a joke. Maybe even punishment for all that had happened in the last few months.

None of us want to be wedding singers and we need to concentrate on rehearsing for the competition next month, so the idea seemed completely ridiculous.

But, now it makes sense.

"Because I saw one of the judges for the competition sitting at the bride's table. He's the uncle."

Liam's frown morphs into a surprised gape and a stunned laugh, "That sneaky little git. Genius he is."

My chuckle is cut short by a vibration in my pocket and I whip my phone out with no hesitation, only to see a text from Niall telling me to help with sound check. The flash of hope that coursed through me is gone just as quickly as it came –a strike of lone lightning in the otherwise endless black sky.

My calls and texts remain unanswered.

Except for that night last week, that wonderful night where I finally heard her voice again. Where, for just the few minutes we were on the phone, my world righted itself again. It was so easy, slipping back into that routine with her, that I could almost believe nothing had changed.

I could almost feel her there next to me, almost taste her she was so close. Closer to me than she has been in months.

But, now she's gone again. The silence more deafening than ever. And I can't even try to forget her, it's impossible.