A Lovely Surprise

Goodbye part 2

I haven't slept in days. I feel sick. I'm sitting in this cold room, with Josh and Ari. I feel so damn numb. "You're doing the right thing." I shook my head.
"Hello Audrey, I'm Sara Miller."vshe said racing out to shake my hand. I reluctantly shook her hand.
" Joshua." She greeted. "We spoke on the phone."
"So what can I do for you guys. Joshua and I talked a bit but I really wanna get to the bottom of what exactly you guys want." She asked.
Joshua looked at me and I looked away trying to hold myself together.
" My sister here, she's only 15 years old, high school drop out, has no job, not even a place to go. Um I'm trying to help her get her life together. I don't think she's stable enough for this baby. We are wondering if there's a Way to adopt out her child, that we know she's a adopted and not put in foster care. We want her to go from her arms straight to her adopted mom's arms." He said. I couldn't hold myself together. This was tearing me apart.
" actually yes. Those adoption are usually a lot harder but can be done. They are closed adoptions usually."
She replied.
" That's what we're aiming for." He said.
" okay so what we can do is go ahead sign some papers. Audrey has to confirm she is okay with this & the father? Where is he in the picture?" She asked.
" He's not in the picture." I choked out.
"Audrey if I may. I know this is hard. I see 16 year old putting their kids up for adopt more than any other age. I've seen those young mother drown like you seem to be right now but they come back 5, 10 Years later realizing they were not what was best for that child. You're doing the right thing."
"I just love her so much." I sobbed.
"We know & she knows that. But she deserves a stable mom & dad."
She said hugging me.
I nodded, still crying.
We went over paper work, and everything works. They said they're going to go a head and keep an eye out for a pair of parents for Ari.
We walked out the building and I handed Ari to Joshua as I ran to a trash can throwing up.
Joshua rubbed my back. "You're okay." He said soothingly. "I'm not okay Josh." I said.
He helped me into the car. "Do you want some food?" I shook my head.
"You gonna end up with a eating disorder." He replied.
I shrugged, "I'll be fine."
We drove home. I stood up out of the car. I got dizzy, from getting up.
Josh got Ari for me. I walked in the house and sat on the couch. Josh put Ari in her bouncer. I just stared at her. She needs a happy family and Michael and I are not a family nor happy. We can't stand eachother. We hate eachother.
"Audrey, sweetie come in the kitchen please." My mother called out. I stood up but to only have my body go limp. I fell to the ground, passing out....again.

I woke up in my bed, with water on my night stand.
I sat up yawning seeing it was daylight.
I got up and walked downstairs to see my little girl covered in spaghetti.
"Look at you." I smiled.
"Mumumumumu" She smiled showing her 2 teeth.
"Look who is finally up." My dad said.
" How long was I sleep?" I yawned.
"Since 3pm yesterday. We had a doctor come look at you. You need to stop depriving yourself of sleep, it's causing you to pass out." Joshua said.
" I don't mean to." I said softly.
"Babababa!" Aria screamed.
" What baby? Why you screaming?" I said grabbing a cloth to wipe her face.
I grabbed her face wipping the spaghetti off. She whined in frustration. She hates when I wipe her face. She swung her hands, smacking me.
"Hey, we don't hit Ari!" I said grabbing her hands.
"Dada!" She screamed.
"Daddy" She cried. She kept screaming for him.
I picked her up but she was trying to push away from me. "Dadddaaa" She cried.
I put her In her play pin and let her cry it out. I went checked on her and she was asleep.
"We need to get some of this paper work done, Dre." Joshua said.
We sat at the kitchen table signing stuff and reading over stuff.
"So this says, once she's adopted, nor you or michael can get her back. Since we've agreed on a closed adoption, you guys won't be able to see her till she wants to see you basically.... why are you doing a closed adoption?" He asked.
"Because then it's like seeing someone else eat your favorite candy. You want it so bad, but you can't have it. I can't handle having her dangled in front of me like that. Then plus she'll be so confused growing up seeing two sets of adults saying their her parents."
I said in frustration.
" okay then this paper states they have the right to change her name & stuff like that." He said.
"I want her to keep her first name." I replied.
"Okay, we will discuss that with our case worker. We see her again tomorrow."
I nodded. This was so painful but the deeper we got into the more I realize it is the right thing.

I laid in bed with her. She stared at me as I stared at her.
"You'll always be my blood. You were made in my tummy & you'll always have my eye color, my nose, your daddy's hair and smile. You're the only perfect thing that came from either of us and I don't wanna share you." I said. She reached out grabbing my nose. She smiled squeezing it.
"You're gonna be so much more happy once your in a stable home. There won't be as much screaming, yelling, fighting, hatred... you're gonna be happy." I said grabbing her hand kissing it.
" mumu." She said.
" & I will always be your mommy & michael will always be your daddy. We love you so much it hurts" I said as a tear trickled down my cheek.
I cuddled her falling asleep.
***
" we can't promise you they'll keep her first name, most the time they do though." She said.
"It's the only thing I ask. " I said. "I can try. We actually are talking to this family now. They have been looking t adopt again and we have a meeting with them later." She said.
" So they have other adopted children?" I asked.
" 2 actually. A girl & a boy." She said.
I nodded.
"So after we meet with them we may call and have Joshua bring her up here for them to meet. You cannot meet them do to privacy laws. In case you go crazy and hunt them to get your kid. You get what I'm saying? " She asked. I nodded. "So after they make their decision, you have the right to say no or yes. Of course you will get kind of a short biography about each the parents then you decide and sign the papers. But nothing is official till you hand me Aria and I put her in their hands. After that, it's done. " She said.
" okay." I said softly.
***
"I'm taking her up there, sis." Joshua said. I got up kissing Ari cheek. "Be yourself babygirl." I said holding her face.
He walked out.
I sat at the kitchen table, watching the clock. I was nervous. I was nervous they wouldn't like her and I was nervous they would like her.
After what seemed like forever the front door opened. I jumped up.
" How'd it go." I asked.
"They fell in love with her. " He smiled then I started crying. He set her in her bouncer. He wrapped his arms around me. "They seemed like the perfect match for her. They even brought one of their kids. Ari loved their older son. Sis I think this is the family. " He said stroking my hair. "I also have their bio's. You have till next Wednesday." He said.
I sat at the kitchen table all night. I kept re-reading their bio's.
The wife was a stay at home mom and the husband owned a car dealership.they don't have money problems. They've been together for 10 years. "you need to get some sleep." Josh said rubbing my back. I nodded getting up. I grabbed Ari out of her play pin and we went to bed. I snuggled her close, knowing our time was limited.
"You are my sun shine." I sang. "My only sunshine. You make me.happy when sky's are grey. Pleasee....dont take...my sunshine...awayyy." I sang as my voice cracked.
I woke up to being slapped in the face by Ari. "Thanks love." I groaned as she giggled.
I sat up, lifting her into my lap. She squealed smiled with only 2 teeth showing.
"Mumu." She blabbered reaching for my breast.
"Oh someone's hungry. Okay let's go eat." I said getting out of bed.
I gave her some cheerio's, as I cooked some breakfast.
I feed her some baby food as everyone else was waking up.

"Smells good sis!" Josh yawned.
" thanks. Help yourself." I said still feeding Ari.
He sat next to Ari and stared at me & ate.
"Why are you staring at me?" I asked.
"So have you decided yet?" He asked softly.
I shrugged. "I mean its the first family, should we give it more time, I don't know Josh." I said depressed.
"I'm telling you these people are meant for her." He commented.
" I'm meant for her." I replied.
" No you're not. Ari is such a happy child, but you? You are always crying and hurt & eventually she's gonna catch onto that . you are not okay to be a single mom now." He said.
"Fine." I said sad.
"You're going to go with this family?" He asked. I nodded giving Ari one last spoon full of food.
"Wednesday is when you hand her over sis. Okay? You are doing the right thing." He kissing my head.
I spent those days cherishing every second I had with her. I took so many pictures, I kissed her chubby cheeks, cuddled her close, told her how much Michael and I love her. But time with her was never enough. The day I haven't to say goodbye to her came in the blink of an eye.