Stumbling through the dark

LEAVE.ME.ALONE!

"Ni, I wondered...maybe I could go with you to your appointment? I know Harry is going but I just wondered...." Zayn broke off nervously as he looked at Niall. 

"Why Zee? Why are you here? Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to see you, but why do you suddenly care?"

"I always cared , bro. I know it doesn't seem like it but I cared. I still do care. You're my little brother" Niall studied Zayn intently while  he talked. Many people thought Niall was unobservant because he didn't  make comment about things and seemed totally unaware of things around him, but there was very little he missed. He noticed the stiff set of Zayn's shoulders, the tightness around his eyes and mouth , the gaunt frame and the grey complexion.  Zayn's eyes were flat and dull. Zayn was in as bad a state as him and Niall wanted to know why.

"If Harry's OK with it, then yeah" Niall decided. He was pretty sure Harry wouldn't mind. Harry  had a gentle and easy going nature and though he was angry with Zayn for leaving the band, Harry bore him no ill will.

"Thanks" Zayn smiled slightly. "Are you OK to drive ?"

"Yes  I am but we already decided to go in Harry's car. No point in taking two" . As if the mention of his name was a magnet, Harry walked through the door and raised an enquiring brow at the two other men. "I'm about as ready as I'll ever be" Niall said, leading the way out to the car.

"Mr Horan. And these gentlemen are?" Paul Taylor, Niall's neurologist, showed no surprise at seeing people accompany his patient. It seemed that Niall's friends were determined to be present at his appointments. The Consultant didn't particularly like it ,but as he was being well paid to care for Niall, he went along with it. 

"I'm Harry Styles and this is Zayn Malik" Harry quickly performed the introductions then all three men were invited to sit.

"Mr Horan...may I call you Niall?" He received a nod of the head " As you know you have Multiple Sclerosis..MS..I believe you have the Relapsing-Remitting type" Niall looked completely puzzled so Mr Taylor went on to explain. "As I said, it's an auto-immune based disease. The immune system, which normally defends the body against illness, somehow gets confused and attacks the body instead. Your type of MS will come in waves, if you like. It will flare up then go almost into remission then flare up. We have drugs that can control these attacks but you'll need to take them for the rest of your life. The good news is that when MS develops in people under the age of 35, it tends to move slower. You are barely 22 so your age is in your favour. Now, I am sure you have questions?"

Niall looked blank. He had a million questions but couldn't pull himself together enough to ask. He was grateful when Zayn took control.

"Flare ups...what can cause them?" Zayn asked. He actually knew because of his auntie's illness but knew Niall needed to hear.

"Everyday illnesses like flu, colds, infections. In fact anything that requires the immune system to go into action. Stress, especially extreme stress ,is also a trigger. And sometimes flare ups just happen and we don't understand why. Flare ups, when they happen, can cause extreme pain, mental impairment, sight problems, impaired movement , digestive issues, breathing problems, etc. These can be controlled, to an extent. by medication when they occur but may require hospitalisation"

"And treatments?" Zayn pursued

"Drug therapy, naturally. CBT..cognative behavioural therapy..massage. These in combination are very effective. And regular monitoring by both myself and a specialist nurse is vital"

"And the drugs? There are several types aren't there?" Paul Taylor studied the dark skinned man asking all the questions. He began to wonder just what that young man knew about MS. He'd plowed straight into asking questions without hesitation and, judging by the expression on his face, understood far more than he was letting on.

"Yes, there are quite a range" Mr Taylor confirmed. "Some for daily management of the illness, some for when the body is in a flare up. They all have their good points and also their drawbacks.  It can occasionally be a case of trial and error to find out which combination suits the individual best"

"You know Niall is a musician and often goes on tours?" Zayn cringed inwardly at having to ask this question but he knew that it was one that deeply worried Niall and they needed the answer, be it positive or negative. "How will this affect him?" He held his breath as he waited for the response, not daring to look at either Niall or Harry.

"I'd like to say that it would not be a problem, but I can't. However, it isn't impossible. Niall would need to learn to take extra care of himself. Avoid getting over tired. eat a very healthy diet, guard against possible infection and no unnecessary stress. Precautions such as having the Flu shot every year are  vital . Really, it mainly depends on Niall himself and how he is feeling at any given time." Zayn nodded as the Consultant finished speaking.

"You say it's Relapsing -remitting" Zayn pressed on with the questions. He knew Niall was worried about things getting worse but was afraid of the answers. He hoped that he wasn't making things worse for Niall by continuing with the questions but deep in his heart, felt it would be better if everything was out in the open. "What happens if it gets bad?" 

"Bad? as in the worse case scenario? It is too hard to be specific. Everyone is different. But, to answer your question in general terms, the lesions on the brain will slow down then stop it's functions. It doesn't happen to everyone  so please don't dwell on it. THe drugs we have are good, very good, and more are being developed every day." Mr Taylor gave the information calmly, as if he was merely talking about the weather but he didn't miss the fear in Niall's face. "Niall, chances are it may never get that advanced. Let's just get you started on treatment today and we'll take it from there" Niall just stared down at his feet, fingers twisting.

"Now, I'm starting you on Tecfidera. It provides good results in those who tolerate it. You'll need to take two pills daily. It isn't without side effects..hot flushes,diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting. They do tend to wear off. If they don't, we'll try something else. There is such a range, we will find one that suits you best. I'm also prescribing CBT and massage therapy." He wrote the prescription quickly and also buzzed his secretary to make the necessary appointment s for the other treatment. "Any more questions?" He asked pleasantly. The young men all shook their heads. ""I'll just pass you over to my secretary then. He rose from his chair and shook hands with each of them and they left the room, zany at the back.

"Mr Malik?" Zayn turned. "I think you possibly know more than you are revealing?" Paul Taylor looked at Zayn questioningly. Zayn just nodded and, looking down,  followed his friends.

Niall maintained his silence, refusing to talk about anything to do with his illness. Both Harry and Zayn both tried encouraging him to share his thoughts but he blocked them at every turn. He either ignored the question or blatantly changed the subject.Harry and Zayn exchanged looks then Zayn shrugged.This was going to be difficult. If they couldn't get Niall to talk, it was going to be a problem. They knew Niall was worrying and very stressed and Zayn in particular, knew that was a recipe for disaster. He just didn't know what form that disaster would take.

Harry and Zayn  accompanied Niall to his door but when he put the key in the lock, he turned and faced them. "Look, thanks for coming with me. I'm really grateful but I need some space now. I want to be alone."  

"Are you sure, Nialler? I just wish you'd talk with us. Don't shut us out." Harry pleaded quietly.

"Just go....please" Niall whispered. He was struggling to hold himself together and he didn't want to break down again in front of his friends.

"Ni?" Zayn tried this time.

"GO! JUST GO!" Niall shouted "LEAVE. ME. ALONE! YOU DON"T GET IT, DO YOU! ". He pushed his door open and slammed it then leant back on the closed door. His whole body shook with emotion then he slid down  into a heap on the floor, still shaking. He was only vaguely aware of the sound of Harry's car pulling away. He was too wrapped up in his thoughts and what he have to do.