Stumbling through the dark

I'm "Alibaba"

TRIGGER WARNINGS APPLY.

Zayn looked up and nodded stiffly to Louis who moved to stand next to him.

"How's Ni?" Louis wanted to know

"He's in pretty bad shape.  They say  he's been bleeding into the stomach. They are giving him some blood then he'll go to surgery. He came around  briefly in the Emergency Room,. Stupid fool had been in pain for some time". Zayn sighed. "The doc says they've caught it just in time and unless anything goes wrong......" Zayn couldn't finish. It was like he was afraid to tempt fate.

"So why are you here?" Louis asked."What dark hole did you creep out of?"

"I was invited. Aoife invited me to her wedding. She sent an invitation  to my Management. I wasn't fool enough to accept but I just wanted to see you guys again. I just didn't plan on being seen" Zayn said bitterly.

"So why am I seeing you now ?" Louis was curious.

"I had taken flowers to the cemetery  and Niall came while I was there. I managed to hide and was waiting for him to leave when he collapsed. I got help" Zayn said simply. "Look, I better go.I don't want the others to see me"

"Why Zayn? Why did you do it.? You left Niall when he was at his most vulnerable. We nearly lost him a third time and you weren't f*cking there. You promised! You f*cking promised" Louis voice was quiet but venom dripped from every word making Zayn flinch as the accusation was spat at him.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. I thought I was doing what was best for you all, for Niall. I thought a clean cut was better, less painful for us all.

"What do you know about pain? It wasn't you who had to watch your best mate almost die yet again. He needed you and you weren't there, you bas*ard. And you show up now, like some f.cking knight in shining armour...you make me sick. You broke him when you left the band and you broke him when you left last time. Trying to make it a hat trick,  Zayn?"

"You think I don't know what I've done. How I've treated you all.. How I treated Niall? You think I don't care.? You know nothing, Lou, nothing. You stand there in judgement and you know nothing. I've been punishing myself ever since I left and no matter how much I punish myself it will never be enough. Zayn raked his hands through his hair and his sleeves slid down his arms. Louis stared at Zayn's now bare forearms and felt sick. Thin lines criss crossed his arms, some still openly weeping blood, others healed into white lines. He shook his head to clear it but the cuts were still there, daunting him.

"G*d, Zee. Why ?" he whispered as he reached out and grabbed Zayn's arm, staring at the cuts ,a look of complete horror on his face.

"I have to punish myself. More and more. It's not enough. It will never be enough to make me pay for what I've done. I thought all I had to do was save him from the media when that suicide rumour started. I thought I would do it then walk away. If I stayed then I'd never have been able to leave.  I gotta go" Zayn had tears pouring from his eyes as he tried to push past Louis.

"No! No!" Louis, though much smaller " wrapped his arms around Zayn and prevented him from leaving. "You aren't going anywhere. Not now, not like this" He pulled Zayn into a tighter hug, causing Zayn to hiss in pain. Louis pulled back and grabbed the hem of Zayn's Tshirt and pulled it up. Angry slashes crossed his torso, some barely even healed. Louis dropped the shirt down and  wrapped his arms more gently around Zayn, letting the taller man  sob into his shoulder.

"What's he doing here?" Harry snapped as he and Liam  appeared in the doorway. Liam looked shocked at seeing Zayn but Harry turned on his heel and walked straight out. Liam turned to follow but Louis' quiet 'Let him go. He'll come back" stopped him.