Stumbling through the dark

Last Breath

"I can't believe it's you" Holly said "Have you moved back to Mullingar now?" She held her breath, waiting for the answer. They were sat in the small park,  both watching as Aoife played on the swings. Niall kept his gaze constantly on his little girl, ready to rush to stop her if he thought she was doing anything dangerous while Holly sneaked quick peeks at Niall's profile.

"No, I have a home here now but we're just over to visit the family. I just like having my own space whilst we're here." Niall answered quietly.

"Oh" Holly's voice sounded disappointed . She turned her head to face Niall completely but he still kept looking straight forward. "I thought maybe you'd decided to come  back. I was hoping I'd get to see more of you and Aoife."

"I'll be over from time to time but I need to be in London. It's easier, somehow". Niall  again spoke quietly. Holly frowned slightly. Niall had been polite and answered her questions but he'd also  been very brief with his responses and hadn't really looked at her.He seemed very reluctant as well,  to reminisce  with her about their early times together.

"Are you well, now? You look like you need a few good meals. Maybe you could come over to my home and I'll cook you a nice meal" She tried again.

"That's sweet of you, Holly, but I'm fine" Again a brief answer that was not even accompanied by a smile. "I'd better go. Aoife will need to have lunch and a short nap. We're returning to London tonight" He stood up and beckoned to Aoife , who came running up immediately to be wrapped up in a hug from her daddy. "It's been nice seeing you, Holly. Take care" and Niall picked up Aoife  and put her on his hip before walking away. Holly glared at his retreating back. They had been close at one time, before Xfactor and she  so wanted to date Niall again. Da*m!  she thought.

"Who was that lady, Daddy?" Aoife wanted to know.

"Holly? She used to be my girlfriend when I was much younger" Niall said, smiling at his daughter's upturned face.

"Will she be your girlfriend now?" Aoife asked innocently.

"You're my girlfriend" Niall said quickly, then tickled Aoife to distract her from the conversation. Once he had Aoife settled for her nap, Niall sat down on his couch, staring blankly at the TV as his thoughts drifted back to Holly. She had always been pretty as a young teenager but now she was beautiful. They had been quite close before he had done the XFactor but so much water had flowed  under the bridge since those days. They had both moved on, hadn't they? Had Holly changed? He certainly had, he knew that. His heart had huge cracks in it and it was only Aoife that kept it glued together. He closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep.

It was a strange sensation. Niall knew he was dreaming and that it wasn't real, but  part of him never wanted to wake up again. He was walking hand in hand with Caoimhe, along the cliffs . It had always been his favorite thinking place and it was where he and Caoimhe had gone when he was ill and where they had first kissed. They had been so naive.  Caoimhe had thought they'd only be good friends, but that one sweet kiss had changed their world. And now Caoimhe was gone, only to be seen in his dreams.But here in his dreams, he could be with her, sharing their daughter. Their precious Aoife. Caoimhe had never seen her daughter but Niall found some measure of comfort that when Caoimhe had finally taken her last breath, Aoife had been held in her arms, with Niall's arms wrapped around the both of them. Niall woke then, tears sliding slowly down his cheeks.

Niall brushed the tears away but more followed as he remembered that day. The nurses had helped him so that he was able to lay down on Caoimhe's hospital bed, the baby tucked in her arms. They had switched off all the machines that had been keeping Caoimhe's heart beating, keeping her breathing. Weeks of exhaustion had caught up with Niall and he and the baby had slept as Caoimhe had finally taken her last breath. When Niall had woken up, it had been to find himself in bed in another room, Aoife in a little crib beside the bed and Liam sat next to him, holding Niall's small hand in his own larger, much warmer one. Niall remembered looking at Liam , who had just nodded once, his own eyes red rimmed from crying. And Niall stared at him, then at Aoife.  His eyes were dry, the normally beautiful blue color a stormy grey. His Caoimhe was gone and a large part of Niall had seemed to have gone with her. It was just one tiny, tiny baby, who kept him tethered to this earth.

Niall was jolted  out of his dark thoughts by Aoife screaming. He raced up the stairs to her room and found her sat up in bed, sobbing her heart out.He scooped her up then sat on her bed, cuddling her closely as he soothed her, waiting until her cries had become small hiccups.

"Did you have a bad dream, pumpkin?" he asked her gently as he brushed the tears gently from her face.

"I had a mare in the night" Aoife sounded so pathetic but Niall had to smile inwardly at her description of a bad dream.

"Want to tell me about it?" Niall encouraged.

"You left me, daddy. I was looking for you and I couldn't find you anywhere. You were gone".

"I'm never going to leave you, pumpkin" Niall spoke reassuringly " I'll always keep you safe. Come on, let's get you changed. We have a plane to catch. Daddy needs to go back to work and you, little lady, have a playmate with Taylor planned. Niall smiled with relief as Aoife instantly cheered up, her bad dream forgotten. If only his bad dreams could be melted away so quickly. He gave himself a mental shake. He'd be strong for his Aoife. He was strong. He could do this. He stood up and followed Aoife downstairs. It was time to leave. 

Just as Niall finished strapping Aoife into her carseat, Niall felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it out and looked at it, seeing a text from an unknown number. He frowned but threw his phone down on the passenger seat, not in the mood to read the text. As he drove off towards the airport, he found his thoughts a tangle of Caoimhe,  Aoife, and  Holly. He swiftly switched on the radio. He needed to be distracted from his thoughts. He started to sing along with the songs, Aoife joining in, but part of his mind still stubbornly stayed on Caoimhe and Holly. Then the comments than Louis had made about him needing to let go twined themselves into the threads of his thoughts. He just wanted his mind to shut up.