Stumbling through the dark

Li......This Is Mullingar!

"You sure, mate? You can always crash in the spare room"Niall said as he led the way into his garage bedroom.

"Nah, this is great" Liam frowned as he heard a crunching sound. He looked down and found himself standing on broken glass." Accident ,Ni?" he queried as he bent down to pick up some of the shattered pieces.

"I..uhhh..dropped a bottle" NIall mumbled. "I'll just clean it up. I haven't been in here for few days. Been staying in the house with Da."

"Dropped?" Liam asked, eyebrows raised..."against a wall, by chance " as he saw the shards of glass stuck in the wall opposite the bed.

"Yeah..well..I kinda threw it. when...never mind" Niall rushed to clear everything up, praying Liam wouldn't say anything more. His luck was out.

"Meltdown? Want to  talk  Nialler?" Liam asked carefully.

"Nay, done and dusted now. I'm , well,  I finally realised I can't do this. I'm giving therapy a try" he admitted. 

"That's cool, Ni. I'm proud of you, I know it's not easy for you but you're doing it. Lou and Harry will be pleased. We're been worried about our little leprechaun.." He gave Niall a hug. "Now, how about we hit the town?"  Niall collapsed on the bed in helpless laughter as Liam stood looking at him, totally bewildered as to what had  suddenly sent the younger man into uncontrollable laughter "What is so funny  then, mate?" Liam wanted to know as he watched Niall, curled up on the bed, clutching his sides as  tears of laughter poured down his  pale cheeks.

"Li.....this is Mullingar.....I'm afraid our version of  hitting the town is a pint in the local pub" Niall spluttered, trying to catch his breath.

............................................................................................................................

Liam stayed with Niall for a few weeks and watched as Niall slowly began to gain the weight he needed, his cheeks  becoming flushed with faint color. He had even gone with Niall to some of his appointments with Donal and was comforted to see how Niall was growing mentally stronger with every session. That didn't mean Niall had returned to the 'old' carefree Niall of earlier years, but he was definitely moving the right way and it warmed Liam's heart. Niall seemed to have moved on from Zayn's apparent abandonment of him though Liam saw the flash of pain in Niall's eyes every time Zayn was mentioned, and noted  the way Niall swiftly changed the subject. Yes, Niall had moved on but the scars were still there. Liam just hoped that nothing would rip them off and let the wounds gape open again.

"You absolutely sure you want to do this, Ni. Like really sure?" Liam asked for what must have been the 100th time. "I wish you'd take longer to think about it". Every attempt at trying to reason with Niall was constantly shut down. Niall refused to really take notice of Liam's views on the subject.

"Nay, been thinking for weeks, Li. Look, I know what I'm doing" Niall said firmly.'We've discussed this for hours. I know what you all think and I appreciate all the concern but I need to do this. I need to do it for me." Niall was desperate for the boys to understand.

"But Ni. I know you do but will you still feel the same when you're stuck in the middle of it. It sounded barbaric. The risks alone......" Liam bit his lip, not wanting to continue. He felt torn. He wanted the best for Niall, all the lads did, but this! He took a deep breath and tried again. " Niall, maybe just give it some more time." He turned his head towards Niall who just smiled back serenely. "Ok, I suppose you know what you're doing" he said glumly.

"Fasten your seatbeat, we're about to land" Niall clicked his own seatbelt closed and pulled on his headphones effectively ending the conversation. Liam did his own seatbelt  then stared out of the window as the plane slowly descended towards Heathrow. He wasn't happy but what could he do? Niall was stubborn and when he had his heels dug in, nothing would deter him. There was absolutely nothing Liam could do. Niall's mind was made up and that was that.Liam shook his head. All he or the lads could do was support Niall and pick up the pieces afterward....if there were any pieces left to pick up.

"Look after yourself, Ni. I mean it" Liam's voice held a pleading tone. "Look, I can cancel and go to the States later. I can stay with you ."

"Liam, thanks mate, I appreciate it but I'm a big boy now. Give my love to the lads. Now go, you'll miss your connection. I'll keep in touch." Niall smiled up at Liam who nodded mutely before turning away, following the signage for his onward flight to LAX. Niall kept the smile on his face until Liam had vanished from sight before turning on his heel, and heading out of the airport  to the waiting car that was to transport him to to his final destination of the day.

"Well Niall, it's looking good? How do you feel generally?" Paul Taylor wanted to know.

"Not too bad. The pain gets a bit much sometimes. The MS 'hug' is the worst of it" Niall admitted

"Yes, it's not a pleasant experience. Weight's good" he commented as Niall stepped off the scales. "Right then, get dressed and we'll talk" He walked back to his desk as Niall hurriedly pulled his clothing back on. At least this time he had only had to strip down to his boxers. He hated those gowns with a passion. Niall sat down in the chair opposite the Neurologist and picked at the rips in his jeans.

"Nervous, Niall?"  Paul asked smiling at him and receiving a blank look in response. "You always pick at your clothing when you're nervous or avoiding something. Care to enlighten me?". He waited patiently as Niall stared at him for a few moments before looking down at his knees and fidgeting with the rips once more. "If you don't tell me, I can't help" he pointed out gently.

"This treatment" Niall began hesitantly "I think I want to go ahead but everyone keeps telling me to give it more time, not to rush. But I've given it time. And I've thought about it. It's all I think about" he admitted rather shamefaced.

"They have concerns, these people? Is it your family? Your friends?"

"The lads, mainly. Liam has been on my back the whole time, saying he and the other lads think I should take more time, not rush. It's driving me crazy. Like, I know they care about me and they don't want me sick but then they seem to try to do everything to make me stay sick. I'm getting confused"

"Niall, from what I have seen from those boys, they care about you enormously and are, and  have been ,very supportive of you. It's natural for them to act like they are. I don't think they want you to stay sick. Far from it, they want you healthy again. Louis, especially,  where it concerns you , is like a Mamma  Bear , protecting one of his cubs. I think the other two feel the same." He grinned at the startled expression that  his comment about Louis ,had put on Niall's face.  "If I were to make a guess at their motives in asking you to hold back on this treatment, I would say it was fear that's driving them" he finished.

"Fear?" Niall was sceptical. Why would the boys be frightened?

"Yes, fear" Paul confirmed. "They know exactly what you will have to go through if you have this treatment. They know the risks and the possible outcomes. They're frightened . Oh, not for themselves" Paul went on, seeing the expression on Niall's face "they're scared for you".

"Me?" Niall sounded a little bewildered now " But that's stupid"

"Is it?" Paul wanted to know. "I know you aren't really brothers in the normal sense of things but , to all intents and purposes, that is exactly what you are. You're their brother and they want to make sure you are  safe. They don't want to deny you a chance at perfect  health but they also don't want to risk what health you do  have." He looked at Niall who's head was back down, his hands now actually enlarging one of the rips in his jeans. "Niall, I'm going to suggest that you talk to them again before committing but this time, don't brush them off. Let them tell you what worries them. Really listen to them. And if they have questions, maybe we can set up a conference call. A few more days isn't going to make a difference.