Stumbling through the dark

Life Had Begun In Mullingar

Niall stared out of the plane window as it made the final approach to Dublin Airport. He was in desperate need of time away from London, the rush and buzz of the big city. He wanted the peace and quiet of Mullingar, where he could just be Niall , not Niall Horan , one 4th of One Direction. He had a lot of thinking to do. And right now he didn't have a clue what to do.

"Niall, over here" Chris Gallagher called out to his young stepson. Niall walked over and was swiftly engulfed in a welcoming hug. "Come on lad, your Ma is waiting in the car. He grabbed Niall's one small suitcase and headed out of the airport, Niall walking slowly behind. The 87k drive to Mullingar was quiet as every question Maura or Chris had asked Niall , was responded to with one word answers. Maura and Chris exchanged worried glances. They could tell something was seriously wrong yet knew that Niall wasn't going to tell them anything unless he was ready. Niall was always one for keeping his problems hidden and Maura, in particular, knew that trying to force him to confide in someone, would be an impossible task.

"We're here" Maura's voice broke into Niall's thoughts. "Are you sure you don't want to stay with us again? Your room is all ready. Niall smiled at his mom and shook his head. "Well. don't forget to come see me soon". Niall assured her he'd be over to visit within the next few days,  said goodbye and got out of the car, walking up the short path to  his Da's front door. He adored his Ma but wanted to be with his father . Bobby had the ability to wait in patience until Niall was ready to talk. Niall pulled the key out of his pocket and let himself in to the quiet house.

Niall and Bobby spent a sociable evening together, talking randomly of this and that, Niall making Bobby laugh with his tales of funny events that hat happened during the OTRA tour. Bobby was pleased to watch Niall gradually relax the stiff set of his shoulders .Eventually though, Niall fell silent and stared off into space, lost in his own world. Bobby stood up from his chair and went and sat next to his son. "Ni, if and when you want to talk, I'm here". He patted his son's shoulder then left him to his own thoughts. "G'night son" he called over his shoulder .

Niall sat there in the dark room until he finally roused himself. Walking through the house, he let himself out of the back door and down to the garage that his Da had converted to a bedroom for him years ago when his constant guitar playing had threatened to annoy the neighbours. His room was has it had always been, the big Irish flag hanging over the bed. Niall collapsed on his bed then pulled out his phone. He wanted to talk to someone but the one person he needed didn't need him. Zayn! Niall felt lost and alone, rejected. Louis is and had been, brilliant but Niall and Zayn had shared similar experiences. It had pulled them together and , ultimately, torn them apart. He scrolled through his contacts. Liam? No. Harry? No . Louis?  Maybe? No. Simon?  Niall sighed quietly to himself then threw his phone down. Why was the one person he felt could help him, understand his pain, why had that one cut him out of his life? And with no explanation. It hurt. The pain cut deep.

Niall grabbed his laptop and powered it up. Louis had said that Zayn had  given interviews about his time with One Direction, his reasons for leaving and about how he felt about the boys. Why had nobody told Niall this? Why had they encouraged him to stay off social media. Had they lied to him too? He feverishly searched through Google, pulling up media reports on all Zayn's activities, his interviews , his tweets and Instagram. Niall grew more and more sombre as he read. He wasn't stupid, he knew the media lied and twisted stuff to make a story, but what came out of Zayn's mouth.........". He switched off his laptop and set aside then got up and started pacing about his small room,  a swirling mess of remembered conversations and emotions.

"Look,Bro. Zayn's been distancing himself from us lately. He's, ah. made it perfectly clear in recent interviews that we, none of us, are in touch. He's said some other stuff too. It's been pretty hurtful, to be honest.Bro, I am sure he still cares about you but he's moved on now" Niall remembered Louis telling him this  but Zayn had promised, pinkie promised. Niall's heart hurt even more. Louis had told him they had kept Niall from knowing the truth because he wasn't well enough. Well f.ck that, he knew now and it hurt more.   Zayn had  promised that he'd be there and he told him that he could always talk to him but he's broken his word. "Nialler, Zayn has his own demons to fight and he needs time" Louis' words echoed in his brain. Niall collapsed back down on the bed holding his head in his hands, elbows braced on his knees. His head felt like it would explode any moment as his stress levels started to rise. Pain shot down from the top of his head, through his torso.."The MS hug" they called it. Hugs were meant to be soothing and loving, this was pure agony. Tears started to leak from Niall's eyes. For f.ck sake, pull yourself together he told himself. Man up. You're acting like a hormonal girl. 

F.ck. He told himself as he stood and rummaged in one of the cupboards. Success! He pulled out a half full bottle of vodka, unscrewed the top and took a slug. It burned its way down his throat. He took another, this time it burned in his stomach. He knew he was warned against drinking alcohol, that his stomach couldn't take it, but.......Something else caught his eye and he pulled out the bottle of naproxen that he'd been given for knee pain. It was still half full. He studied it then reached in his suitcase for another bottle....his antidepressants. He had Tylenol as well. He smiled to himself. Why bother to fight demons. He poured them into his small hand and admired the different colors. His life had begun in Mullingar and now he was home.....