Stumbling through the dark

I Can't Explain, Don't Ask....

Darkness had fallen and Niall was still curled up on the floor. His phone kept ringing and bleeping as the boys attempted to call or text him. He slowly sat up and turned off  his phone . The silence in his house was deafening. Hauling himself to his feet, he went into the kitchen and slowly moved around, making himself as sandwich he wasn't sure he wanted. After just one bite, bile rose in his throat and he tossed the remains into the trash. Grabbing a glass, he poured out some whiskey and tossed it down his throat in one go. He poured another and then, taking his glass and the almost full whiskey bottle into his lounge, collapsed onto the couch. He switched on his TV and focussed on the screen, not even seeing what he watched. His thoughts were too far away.

"He's still not answering" Liam was really worried. It had been several hours since Zayn and Harry had been kicked out by Niall but they had heard nothing from their friend.

"He wanted to be alone" Harry pointed out. He continued reasonably  "He's got a lot to think about and he is probably hating on us constantly being on his case. Maybe we should just leave him and go check on him in the morning"

"mmmmhh.....I'm not sure" Liam replied "I know how Niall hides things from us but this isn't like when he tries to pretend he hasn't got flu. Seriously, I don't like thinking of him being alone at a time like this"

"Mate, I know what you're saying but we gotta respect Niall's privacy. He's letting us go with him to his appointments so he isn't exactly keeping us out. He probably just needs time to accept what's happening.We have to cut him some slack here" Louis  expressed his own opinion. He knew Liam was a born worrier. H*ll, they were all worried about Niall. But that didn't mean they should smother him as a result. "Look, we'll go see him in the morning and tell him how concerned we are, that we will be there for him, but we have to let Niall decide how far he wants us involved."

"Anyone know if he's spoken to his parents or to Greg?" Liam wondered. The others all shook their heads.

"He said he wasn't ready" Louis replied.

"Do you think we should......?" Liam broke off, hesitating to which he got a resounding No! from the others.

"He has to do it when he's ready, bro. If we go behind his back it will just make things worse. Then he really will clam up." Louis spoke firmly and Liam reluctantly nodded in agreement.

Zayn was sat quietly on the couch, listening to the conversation, but not being part of it. Even though his face registered no particular emotion, he was very agitated. He wasn't willing to share his thoughts, wasn't willing to admit the truth, even to himself who knew the truth.  No, he thought, no. Stay silent.

Harry and Liam finally left and Louis announced he was heading to bed. Zayn followed him up stairs and, after saying good night, let himself into the guest room. He stripped off down to his boxers and sat on the bed, propped up by the pillows. He wasn't ready to sleep . His mind was neither ready nor able to switch off. Neither could he control it when his thoughts went back to his final months with the band . Worry about Niall wove in and out of his thoughts, coming strongly every time his mind touched on areas he hadn't been able to share with the rest of the band. He hadn't even told his parents, nor his older sisters. That was a secret he was bound to keep. It was better that way. Zayn finally fell into sleep but it wasn't restful.

Niall squinted at the bottle, it was more than half way down. He went to pour another drink but he wasn't sober enough and he knocked the bottle over. He cursed loudly as the whiskey puddled on the wooden floor. Niall staggered to his feet and stumbled through the darkened house and up the stairs to his room. He fell onto the bed and lay there until feeling  a lump under his hip penetrated his brain. He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the large bottle of pills the Consultant had prescribed. He pushed himself up onto his knees and looked at it with glazed eyes. He frowned and shook the bottle. It rattled loudly. He put it on his bedside table , staring at it until he fell over onto the floor, knocking the bottle with him. It was right in his sight line and he continued to stare.

Zayn woke with a start. He wasn't sure why. Dreams maybe? They had had the quality of nightmares. Most of his dreams these days were nightmares. He didn't feel right. His sense of agitation hadn't left him. Far from it. It had increased. He frowned to himself. Why did  he feel unsettled. Something subtle message was nudging him. He mentally shook himself, telling himself he deserved to feel that way. It was his own fault for dwelling on the past. Unable to settle, he pulled on his jeans and a hoodie. Shoving his feet into shoes, he crept quietly down the stairs.

"Zee? You alright?" Zayn jumped. Louis walked out of the kitchen holding a mug of tea."Couldn't sleep either?"

"No, too restless. Too many bad memories"

"Want to talk, I'm a good listener" Louis said quietly.

"Bro, I wish I could but I just can't" Zayn sounded both tired and stressed so Louis left it alone. Zayn spoke again " Lou, I can't rid myself of the feeling that something's wrong"

"You got that right. Niall having MS is wrong" Louis replied somewhat tartly.

"No Lou, something's wrong. I can't explain, don't ask me to but something is wrong".