Stumbling through the dark

Why Didn't You Let Me Go?

"Ni, are you OK?" Liam said worriedly "  I really think I should take you to the hospital. Please,  let me  so they can check you over"

"No, Li. Seriously, it's OK. I don't need to go . It was just a passing pain and it's gone now. I'm really tired and only need  to sleep. I'll be  up and running tomorrow" Niall spoke dismissively but his words were belied by his extremely pale face and the sheen of sweat on his forehead. Liam really wanted to force the issue but was afraid that if he pushed Niall, he would become even more stubborn. 

"As long as you're sure. Do you want me to stay the night? It's no problem" Liam was hoping Niall would agree as he was reluctant to leave him on his own in case something happened. What if?....no , he couldn't think like that. He had to trust Niall but there was that nagging fear.

"Na, I'm good. You go home. I'll see you tomorrow." Niall settled back into his bed. Liam sighed mentally. He really didn't want to go but  if Niall said he'd be fine then he had to accept it.

"Ni, you won't.........um........you'll be alright?" Liam spoke hesitantly. How did one tactfully ask another person if they were in danger of harming themselves? How could he put his fear into words?

"Li, I'm going to be fine. I will see you in the morning. Stop worrying, Daddy! Now go and get some sleep yourself" Niall said firmly. Liam  admitted defeat and after wishing Niall a good night and reminding him he could ring at any time if he needed help, Liam left.

Niall lay in the dark room and stared at the ceiling. The pain he had experienced earlier had passed but his muscles ached as a result. He moved restlessly trying to find a comfortable position but nothing really worked. Eventually  he gave up,  turned on the bedside light, climbed out of bed and headed down the stairs to his sitting room. Choosing one of his guitars, he sat on the couch and started to play in an attempt to distract himself. It didn't work. His fingers kept fumbling and his frustration with himself, grew. He  thought back to what the Specialist nurse had told him about flare ups and slowly it dawned on him that that was  probably what was happening. They were due to do  an interview and also a  live TV show tomorrow to promote the new album. How was he going to cover this up? Niall cursed long and loud. It wasn't fair. He laid his guitar down at his feet  then covered his face with his hands as hot tears fell from his eyes.

Niall woke up as the sun streamed through the windows and fell across his face. He felt groggy and disorientated until he  realised he must have fallen asleep  downstairs and not tucked up in his bed. Standing slowly , he then paused to make sure he had his balance before heading back up to his room to prepare for the day. If I  move more slowly, he thought, I should get away with this. Nobody will notice if I'm careful. Niall wasn't ready to tell the world yet and he certainly didn't want the lads to be fussing over him every two seconds. He just wanted to feel normal, he wanted to be the same  Niall that he was before all this. . He didn't want to be treated differently  because of MS.

Hair styled, fully dressed, Niall waited for Liam to come and collect him. He  had really wanted to drive himself but Liam had vetoed that. Niall hated to agree with Liam , but secretly he knew he was right.It rankled that he was watching his independence disappearing.Would he end up having to have someone do everything for him as things got worse? No, pinkie promise or not, he wouldn't live like that.The honking of a car horn broke into his musings and he headed slowly out, pinning a smile on his face, as he got into Liam's car.

THe interview started off well. Niall's brain felt really foggy but fortunately Louis and Liam did most of the talking. It was only when he was asked a direct question that things went wrong. "And what have you got planned for the hiatus, Niall?" Niall heard the words but his brain refused to function. He looked at her blankly as he tried to form a coherent sentence. 

"I....I....ummmm". Niall was floundering and he could feel the panic rising. Louis jumped in quickly, saying that he and Niall had plans to don disguises and post "Where's Wally?" type photographs on Instagram. That drew a laugh from  everyone and Niall sank back in relief that it was over.. Just the show to go now. He felt his heart sink. What if it happened again. He cringed  at the thought.

Niall was terrified . He was hanging on , but only by a thread. He knew he was getting the words wrong and some of the fans began to boo. He tried to focus but his stress levels rising and he knew the words were slipping  away from him. He desperately wanted it to end and finally it got to the last song. Harry announced  "I want to write you a song". It was when  Louis finished singing the chorus that Niall realised he was going to fail miserably. With a shaky voice he started his solo:

"I want to write you a song

One to make your heart remember me

So any time I'm gone

You can ...... you can ...................... " sweat soaked through his clothing as  his voice faded to nothing .The words were swirling around in his head but he couldn't get them out of his mouth. He turned panic stricken eyes to Louis before  dropped his mike and stumbled off the set. The audience were shocked into silence.

"errrm. Sorry about that" Harry spoke as calmly as possible. " Niall has a tummy bug and he's not feeling too great.  You've been great and we love you. We've been One Direction" The lads all hurriedly left the set, desperate to see their bandmate and find out if he was all right.

They found Niall curled up on a couch in the dressing room, Lou Teasdale sat beside him, gently stroking his hair in an attempt to calm and relax him . His clothes were soaked through with sweat and he was shivering and shaking.They stood around him in silence, wondering what they could say that would console the distraught  little Irish man.

"Why didn't you let me go? he said bitterly " . You should have let me die like I wanted. I don't want to live like this."

"Don't say that, please don't" Harry normally managed to control his emotions but Niall's words cut deep and his eyes became unnaturally bright with the tears he was holding back.

"Leave me alone. Go away" Niall had  yelled at them. They slowly walked out of the room . Once outside Liam told the others that Niall would probably feel better after some alone time. They had all had shows that had gone wrong for them and  usually  an hour of their own company had helped. They decided to go get something to eat and collect Niall afterwards.

"Ni, are you ready to lea..............." Louis burst into the dressing room stopping in surprise when he found it empty. Frowning, he checked the rest rooms and surrounding area but couldn't find Niall. He checked with the studio staff but nobody had seen him . The boys split up and began to search, getting more and more worried as the minutes passed and still no sign of Niall.. Louis felt cold to the bone  as he recalled Niall's bitter words. No, Niall wouldn't..........would he?