Stumbling through the dark

Choices

"How's it going Nialler?" Liam asked as soon as he arrived in Niall's hospital room. "You're looking a bit green."

"I feel green" Niall admitted. "The medication they got me on seems to be helping but the side effects are gross. I'm sick of being sick. "

"They'll wear off though, won't they..the side effects?"

""Yeah, but I wish it would hurry up. Oh no..." Niall reached for the bowl that was on his bedside table and succumbed to another wave of sickness. " Uggh!" Liam passed him a glass of water so he could rinse his mouth out from the horrid taste just as a nurse arrived.

"Sick again, you poor lamb" the nurse said. "But I think this will help" She handed Niall two pills and some water. "They should stop you being sick." Niall swallowed them gratefully and then sat quietly as the nurse checked his blood pressure and temperature before leaving him and Liam alone.

"Li, I'm being discharged tomorrow. I've made up my mind I'll fly over to see my parents. I suppose I better tell them. Will you come with me? "

"Ni, of course I will. And have you thought about telling the fans afterwards?"

"Yes, but I don't know how. Interview maybe...I still haven't told Management or Simon yet"Niall admitted.

"You need to tell Simon first. Management...not sure what's best there. But if you do it by interview, Management will want control" Liam sounded worried.  The added danger was in Management finding out that Zayn had broken his agreement with them and had contacted the boys. That was going to cause big trouble and he couldn't see a way around that.  He voiced his concerns to Niall.

"That's right" Niall frowned as he remembered.  "Zee was meant to stay away. And neither he or I was supposed to tell you the real reason he left. What a mess. And it's all m y fault."

"Your fault? What makes you think that?" Liam was puzzled.

"If I hadn't called Zayn that night, he'd not be involved now and you lads wouldn't have found out. I screwed up"

"Mate, no, it isn't your fault so don't blame yourself." Liam said firmly. Then, since they were talking about Zayn,  he decided that it was as good a time as any to tell Niall that Zayn was leaving for Los Angeles the next day . Niall stared at him in shock.

"He's going? But I thought...." Niall swallowed convulsively " I thought he was staying. I hoped that now we were all back together, he'd stay". Niall looked down at his hands as he twisted his fingers together.

"Ni, he never came to stay. He only came because he was worried about you.  Bro, Zayn has his own life now and it doesn't include us any more. He's moved on and his future isn't with us" Liam said gently. 

"I know" Niall sighed "but I thought that maybe, now we are all back talking and you  all know the truth, that he'd at least stay"

"Bro, you know he wasn't happy. The band wasn't what he wanted. He only stayed for us until he just couldn't stay any longer. It only  made him depressed and he didn't want to live that way". Liam tried to explain but he could still see the upset in Niall's eyes. Niall adored Zayn and looked up to him as an older brother.Liam wished that he didn't have to tell Niall but knew it was for the best. 

"Li, could you go now please?" Niall asked quietly " I want to sleep". He rolled on his side to face away from Liam, curled up into a little ball. Liam  worried about Niall's sudden withdrawal but knew it wouldn't do to try and push him into talking. He had to allow him space to think things through in his own way. He patted Niall's shoulder gently then quietly left, his own thoughts spinning in his head.

Day moved into night and the house was very quiet. Harry and Liam had gone back to their own homes and Louis had long since gone to bed. Zayn sat on his own bed, staring into space. It had been an eventful few weeks. At least the boys all finally knew the truth behind him leaving the band. And Niall had promised him that he'd talk to him if ever things got so bad that he wasn't coping. He smiled when he recalled that Niall had extracted the same promise from himself. But all this didn't change anything. He was leaving tomorrow and that was the end of it. He'd be saying goodbye all over again.

Niall was also awake. He had done nothing but think since asking Liam to leave. He knew Liam was right, that Zayn couldn't stay longer and he, Niall, also  had to work out his own future  and it wouldn't include Zayn. He had to tell his parents, his brother, Simon, Management and the fans about the MS. Much as he tried to put it off, he knew it he couldn't cover it up forever.  A future, he thought, and what will that be like? All the things he used to think were possible, more performing, a wife and family. Were those dreams turning into ashes? Would any woman want to marry him now? Life was going to revolve around remissions and flare ups, medication and limitations.  

Niall thought through it all. Time to man up and face it. He saw Harry's face in his memory. The expression on his face when he thought that he, Niall, was about to jump. The relief on the faces of Liam and Louis as they stood there up on that roof. They obviously cared about him  Niall had made his choice that night . He had made a mental promise to them and he wasn't going to break it. Whatever he had to deal with, he would. He would fight this MS every step of the way and fight to win. Yes, he had made his choice..he would live.