Stumbling through the dark

You Cry It Out

Niall shuddered as the needle containing the sedative pierced his skin. Much as he hated needles, if he was going to be shut in the MRI machine, he'd rather not be too conscious. Just the thought of being enclosed in that tiny chamber made his chest tighten with anxiety.

"Relax, Niall" the nurse said quietly "just take some deep breaths for me. You'll start feeling a little sleepy shortly".

"Can't" Niall heard the embarrassing  shake in his voice but unable to hide it. "hate enclosed spaces"

"Just concentrate on your breathing for me, nice slow deep breaths." She  waited until his breathing had eased down a little then led Niall over to the small bed that would slide into the MRI machine and helped him get comfortable.Finally  she secured his head into some kind of restraint which made Niall start to panic again. . "Shhhsh, it's fine, you're fine. It's just to make sure your head stays perfectly still." She tucked a warm blanket around him then placed the panic alarm into his hands. "Remember you can see out  through a mirror which will be over your head, you have the panic button if it all gets too much for you but I know you'll be fine" She patted his cheek reassuringly, carefully observing his face. His eyelids were drooping slightly as the sedative started to relax him. She gave the signal to the technician and the bed slid slowly into the machine. In just a few moments, the characteristic banging sounds of the machine started but Niall remained quiet and still, only vaguely aware of the noise and the gentle, soothing voice of one of the technicians talking.

Time passed in blur and eventually Niall felt the sensation of moving as the bed slid back out of the imaging machine. He opened his eyes groggily and looked up into the face of the nurse. "All finished" she reassured him and watched as his eyes fluttered shut once more. Two orderlies came and gently and smoothly transferred him from the bed to a gurney and, accompanied by the nurse, pushed him back to his room where he was transferred yet again, this time to his own bed.Once comfortably tucked back under the covers, Niall rolled onto his side, curled up like a small kitten and began to snore with soft, sweet little sounds. His nurse stood and watched him for a few moments then returned to the nurses station to update his notes, smiling to herself. Although she knew he was a twenty two year old man, when he was upset or sleeping, he looked like a small, sweet child, too innocent to be dealing with everything he was and had been dealing with. Poor lamb, she thought.

One benefit of  being part of a world famous Boy Band was that one could afford excellent medical care. And being at St Vincent's Private Hospital also afforded Niall greater privacy and safety. Nobody, apart from Management, Simon Cowell, his family and his bandmates, knew he was hospitalised. The downside meant that social media had blown up with fans worrying about his whereabouts as he had seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. Twitter was exploding with tweets begging him to reassure fans. And the rumour mill had gone into overdrive. Niall was oblivious to all the drama happening in the outside world as he had literally stopped checking. Since failing to contact Zayn, it was like he had shut down and his phone remained unheeded, calls and texts ignored. This was something that pleased the other lads as they were very concerned about the effect Zayn's recent revelations would have on their little snowflake. Even Niall's brother had seemingly posted some very bizarre tweets that had had Directioners freaking out.No, it was better if Niall remained cocooned from all the drama.

Paul Taylor, the Neurologist, studied Niall's scans carefully before looking at the blood test results. Then he turned his attention to the endoscopy video, cringing as he surveyed the damage that had been done to Niall's stomach. Although Doctor Miller had promised Niall that their recent conversation would be private, he had, in fact, passed on the information to Paul , having extracted from him consent that the conversation was and would remain, totally off the record , and with no written information. Paul had readily agreed to do so but was glad he had the additional information as it would enable him to help his young patient more efficiently. Frowning to himself, he started writing out detailed treatment notes. He carefully thought through all the latest information, even as he wrote. It was a long shot, a very long shot. He frowned, staring down at his notes, then resumed writing once more. Finally, he threw down his pen and stood, slipping on his white coat and grabbing his stethoscope. Time to do his rounds.

Niall shivered with cold. The nurse had lowered his bed flat and pulled back the bedding to allow Paul to examine his young patient. He could see Niall was getting fractious with the constant poking and prodding but he had to be thorough. He pushed firmly down on Niall's stomach and Niall yelped faintly. "Still tender?" he asked the small Irish man and got a small nod in response. "It should be less sore very soon as you are responding well to treatment. Eating now?"

"Yeah, mainly fish and chicken and those milkshake things. Just not that hungry, to be honest" Niall admitted

"Well, you do need to eat more. You need to gain weight. I'll get the nurse here to weight you and then we can set you some targets. And make sure you drink plenty of fluids...no alcohol...it'll mess your stomach up even more....but water, milk, clear soups, all good"

"When do I get out of here?" Niall asked hesitantly " I'm going crazy here"

"We'll see what you weigh and if it's an acceptable level, maybe the day after tomorrow? How does that sound?" Niall's face lit up in response " but you will need to rest. No stress, no overdoing things"

"Can I go home? Home to Ireland, I mean?"

"Certainly but I'll need to contact your doctor there as you'll need to have help available if necessary and whoever is in charge  of your care temporarily will need to have your updated notes. Here, cover up before you freeze to death" He pulled the bedding back over Niall and pressed the controls to raise the back of the bed up ."Who is your Doctor there?"

"Don't have one any more" Niall bite his lip " at least not one I've seen since I was about 14.

"Than, may I choose one for you? I know just the man and he's very up-to-date with his knowledge of MS. Actually, he's my father-in-law" Paul smiled

"Yeah, sure" Niall agreed then started chewing on his lip. " I was wondering..about  treatment..that new stuff I read about?"

Paul's eyebrows pulled together in a frown. He was dreading Niall asking about it . "I'm sorry Niall, really sorry, but I can't risk it. Your stomach is far too messed up. This would make it worse and it  would probably kill you. I can't take that risk. Maybe,if your stomach  heals completely , we can talk about it but until then...no...I'm sorry"

"But....."

""I'm sorry, no". He said compassionately. He hated having to say it but there was no way Niall would survive the treatment. Head down, he left the room. Niall looked down at the sheet he had started to twist between his fingers, his blue eyes swimming with unshed tears.

"Oh, lovey" the nurse said and pulled him into her arms, hugging him close. "You cry it it out".