Pumped-Up Kicks 2

5.3

Logan (again)

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I was definitely leaving Seattle. Jessa wasn't shitting me because I went to her apartment to find myself alone. So that just let me know that I would be all alone here. I would die before I willing hung out with Rem and Jase. I was just sitting in my car, trying to find a cigarette to light hoping that the poisonous roll of paper would keep me company. Eventually I found a pack just resting behind my seat along with the bottle of grey goose rolling around from when I rescued Telly from the Hard Rock. I picked it up and smiled at the memory of it. Then I felt a strange sting my chest that reminded me of anguish and agony and I wanted to scream in anger. Maybe this is how Telly feels, then again, she's too nice and wouldn't randomly gain the sudden urge to break something. She would apologize to a chair for falling into it whether she was exhausted or was pushed into it. Then, I really got to think about her and the way her blue eyes blaze beautifully when she's enraged. And I thought about how her small adorable hands clench into tight fists when all she wants to do is slap me across the face. I'd take her slaps on my face then seeing her kiss another guy any day.

I sighed and unscrewed the lid to the grey goose preparing to feel terribly lonely and sorry for myself. The cake flavored vodka burned down my throat, but was better than the feeling of loneliness. It was actually kind of good and I understand why Telly has formed this very bad habit. I took another few swigs until I started to feel a little woozy. The lights on the skyline were blurring together. I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket, unlocking the screen and searching for Telly's contact and pressing her number, listening to the monotone ring.

This particular time, the usual ring was way longer then what it always was and my heart started to race, I'm guessing in fear. Fear that she might not answer because she was mad at me, or worse. But I didn't wanna create worse case scenarios right now and just listened to the ring with ever growing anticipation. I sniffled and took another sip of the vodka l, my heart beating faster with every passing second. I took the phone away from my ear, giving up.

"Hi." She sounded happy, but was also drowned out by the sound of car beeps and and wind whipping around her but all that mattered was that I was listening to the sound of her voice and she's never sounded more happy. It made my chest hurt because she wasn't here with me, sitting in my arms.

"Hey. I didn't think you would answer." I said and bit my lip nervously. "How are you?"

"I'm tired and I'm hungry and I don't like it here but it could always be worse."

"I suppose your right." I shrugged. "Where's Emmett and Lana?"

"They're not here. They just let me in and then left me here. Ugh, the air is so thick and it smells like city."

"Says the girl that lives in downtown Seattle." I smirked and screwed the lid back onto her vodka. "Listen I've been thinking about what you've said."

"You have?"

"Um, yeah. Can you please hear me out because I have a lot of explaining to do."

"Explaining everything away isn't going to fix my broken heart, but you may proceed."

I took a deep breath preparing an improvised speech. "I know that a few words and maybe some roses aren't going to fix what ever we have between us. But I genuinely want to apologize for all of my actions. The other day was a terrible mistake and I shouldn't have stood you up like that. It was selfish of me and I didn't mean anything that I said. It was all a lie, about me loving Jess. I was just angry. I'm angry all the time now and I want you to know that it's not because of you, Telly. And I want to be truly honest with both myself and you if that's okay?"

"Okay."

"Telly Allegria, I am in love with you and I'm afraid that I am going to get hurt. I've never felt this way about anyone before and it truly terrifies me. I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking and why I didn't just get on that goddamned plane with you and we probably would've been laughing or something right now. I know you probably hate me and that's ok because I hate me too. I just, I can't help but love you and it really scares me because the feelings I have are so strong." I choked out, feeling a stray tear run down my cheek. "I just wish I got on that plane with you. I'm all alone out here in Seattle and I know that you've been wanting to get away from here for a very long time. Please tell me that you will be home eventually."

"I can't promise you that Logan. Although I hate it here, it's peaceful and I can actually think and I have time for myself. I know this is terribly selfish of me but I honestly truly don't want to come home for a while." I felt my face fall and I gripped my phone tighter, afraid that she might say that. Jessa was right, Telly might not come home. I can't believe I thought that she would after everything that's happened here. "Just please don't be mad at me."

"I couldn't ever be mad at you."

"You sit upon a throne of lies." She laughed and I could imagine her throwing her head back in humor. "Ahh, Logan. When will you finally tell the truth. You know, I'm getting tired of being fed bullshit everytime we have a conversation like this."

"What?" I gasped for air, this taking a completely different turn.

"If you really loved me as much as you claim to, then you wouldn't put me through the hell that you do. You wouldn't always make bullshit excuses as to why you sleep around with Jessa. If you really loved me then what use would you have for her. And if you only use her for sex then that's really low and pitiful for the both of you. It's disgusting and I wouldn't even wanna touch you with a 10 foot pole. I really expected better from you considering the fact that I know this is not you."

"This isn't about Jessa-"

"Yes it is Logan. It's always about her in some way and it's really annoying. The other day was about Jessa too. I mean seriously, you were about to get laid and you stopped me because she was in the damn hospital. And because you stopped me, not only are you indirectly saying that you truly care about her more than what you proclaim, you are also portraying that you only want sex from her. Honestly, I'm across the country right now so there was no possible way we were going to do anything and if you miraculously showed up in New York, I wouldn't even want to hold your hand. God knows how many times you touched her with them."

"So the truth is finally told."

"At least I'm not afraid to tell the truth. And you wanna hear another truth. I hate it here in Manhattan but I'd rather be here then in Seattle with you. And another truth, my friend Riley is taking me out for dinner and then we're going to see Jimmy Fallon. That's more than you would do for me in two lifetimes. And another truth, you are one of the greatest liars in the history of ever but I think that your acting skills needs some work because I obviously just called you out on that bullshit speech."

"Wow."

"Yeah wow is right."

"I never knew how much you hated me."

She sighed which turned into a groan and I could picture her pulling her beautiful hair in frustration. "Logan, I don't hate you. And I don't wanna fight you either. Know that I'll always love you. But right now, I just don't like you."

And then she ended the call left me feeling alone, and degraded.