Here to Stay » Punk Austin Mahone

Chapter 16

I sat by my window seat trying to call Austin for what it feels like the millionth time. He isn’t going to answer. I know it. I can’t believe I had to ruin everything. I sighed and leaned my head onto the window. How am I going to make it up to him? I was so cruel by having his best friend kiss me. What the hell? He is probably never going to forgive me for this. And worst of all: I dragged Alex into this mess. Look at me. I am blaming myself for this.

But none of this would have happened if Austin hadn’t kissed the girl at the nightclub. My anger died down for him for a while, but I need to stay angry at him. He hurt me. I cried my eyes out over him. I was a complete mess. And I was just trying to get back at him. That can’t possibly be the wrong thing….right? I groaned in frustration and picked up my phone again. I didn’t even bother leaving Austin a voicemail. Not like he’s going to answer anyways. I go into my notes and read Austin’s letter again.

Dear Mickenna,

      I am so incredibly sorry for kissing that girl at the nightclub. I didn’t know what I was doing. You are the only one I love. I feel like such a jerk, I know I shouldn’t have done that. Just please, please forgive me. I know that you are hurt, but so am I. I can’t stand the fact that you are ignoring me. I can’t stand the fact that you aren’t here to comfort me, or kiss me. And I can’t stand the fact that I caused it all to happen. I don’t know if words can explain how much I love you. If you please, just give me one more chance. I will prove it to you! I will do anything for you to love me the way you used to. I hate this whole situation. I really want you back. I know you are probably reading this and hating me. But I just wanted to let you know that I can’t change the past. I know that what I did was wrong, but are you going to hold it against me?

            I will change for you. I will do anything. You are probably thinking, “Oh he’s done this before, so he’s probably going to do it again.” And you know what? You’re probably right. Because I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you again. I can’t make any promises, except that I promise to love you until the day I die. I swear, I never wanted to hurt you. I don’t want to be the boyfriend that makes their girlfriend cry. I don’t want to be him. But he’s inside of me and I can’t get rid of him. Your smile just lights up my world. And I want to make you smile more often. I just really need one more chance. Just please, please if you give me another chance I will prove to you that I will be good enough for you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. You are too good for me.

            I hope that you read this and think about it. I will give you some time, so you can make your decision. Mickenna, I know I already said this, but I love you so much. And I’m dying for you to love me back. Because, love is the closest thing we have to magic. And when you kiss me, I never want you to stop. I daydream about you. I make fantasies where we get married, and have kids. I can’t stop thinking about you Mickenna. I don’t think I can live a day without you. If you live for a hundred years, I hope I live a hundred years minus a day, so I won’t have to live without you. I need you with me. By my side when I’m hurt, next to me in the bed. I need you. And badly. I only ask for your forgiveness. I love you.

-Austin

I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears hit my chest. I sniffled and wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. I love him. And I need him. I walk over to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I look like hell. I washed my face, and put some makeup on. My eyes are puffy, and it still looks like I was crying. I put some eyeliner, and eye shadow on, but it doesn’t quite make me look all that better. I sighed and looked at my phone, hoping for a call from Austin. Nothing. I decide to go for a walk in downtown to get my mind off of him.

***

“Oh this dress is nice!”  I said looking in the mirror

It was a tight fitted white dress that stopped at mid-thigh. It was sleeveless and it had a low neckline. Everybody will love this dress! And Austin. My subconscious added. I just wish she would shut up. Everything reminds me of him. I was at a restaurant and remembered his favorite meal. I went to a frozen yogurt place and remembered Austin’s favorite flavor. I just can’t seem to get him out of my head. Because in the back of my mind, I still think we are together. Wait. Did we break up? I suppose so.