Here to Stay » Punk Austin Mahone

Chapter 30

Nothing was the same after her. Nothing seemed to contain the joy that it used to. Nothing seemed exciting anymore. Nothing, nothing, nothing, that word keeps spinning in my head, haunting me. Nothing I do makes me feel happy, I plaster a fake smile on my face and hope they believe it. Nothing anybody says to me will fill the void in my heart, and nothing I do is enjoyable anymore. Because I’m nothing without her.

Everybody asks me if I’m okay and I really don’t know what to say. How could they be so stupid? How could they possibly think I’m okay? If I’m anything, I’m the farthest from okay. I’m terrible, I feel like absolute shit. And I walk into her room every day, hoping that she will be there. Oh why? Why was I so blind? Why couldn’t I see how much pain she was in? How could I just let her fall apart like that?

Questions are being thrown at me from everyone I talk to and I just want to scream. I’m being attacked by these complicated questions that we will never have the answers to. The answers lie within a dead girl who couldn’t take it anymore. I see how she couldn’t. I think my mom knew what I was thinking when I brought her the news. I saw the look in her eyes and the way she kept an eye on me wherever I went. She thought I was going to commit too. And I don’t blame her for thinking that either.

I would like someone to give me one reason to stay alive. Just one. But then I take out the wrinkled note that was held in her little bloody hand when I found her on the floor. I read it over and over and hope that I can make any sense of it. She gave me an exact explanation as to why she did it. I haven’t shared the note with anybody else. I refuse to. This note was to me, and only my eyes will read the words she wrote.

Sometimes I feel like ripping it apart but yet again, what good does that do? It will almost be like taking away the little piece of her that I have with me. I fold the note and put it back in my chest pocket. I feel if I have something that she touched in the last moments of her life, that I will be closer to her. I’m still holding on to her. I don’t care whether she’s being put six feet under the ground today or not. I’m still going to love her even when I’m on my deathbed.

“Are you ready to go?” my mom asks, and I nod.

I walk slowly to the car, and I get into the passenger seat. I’ve noticed that my movements have slowed down significantly after Mickenna’s suicide. It’s almost like death just slows everything down. It makes your mind move slower and your body unresponsive to moving. My mom has been worried about me but I always wave her off. She doesn’t need to worry about me, I can worry about myself. It’s not like I deserve to be worried about. Mickenna did. She wanted someone to notice. But nobody did and I can’t explain how fucking angry that makes me.

WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY FUCKING LISTEN?

“Austin….” my mom trails off, sounding very scared.

I must have said that out loud.

“I’m fine.” I say curtly and face the window.

The car ride is awfully long, or so it seemed like it was. We drive up to the place where there’s dead and rotting bodies. I can’t believe my beautiful angel is going to be here for the rest of time. I can’t believe that she has to share her resting place with people who have been buried here for so many years. It’s a morbid thing to witness.

My mom fixes my black tie that goes along with my black suit. Black. That’s all I’ve been seeing lately. The color that symbolizes death. I look around the cemetery and see Mickenna’s mom not too far away.We walk towards them, and I trail behind the rest. I really don’t want to be here. I don’t want to see Mickenna’s body be put deep underground. I can’t believe it. She’s actually gone. The fact that she’s not alive anymore hasn’t really sunk in yet. I don’t think it ever will.

Her mom is crying, and everybody around her is crying too. I don’t remember a single part of the ceremony. I was gazing off into space, hoping that I will die too. If I can’t live life with Mickenna, what is there to live for? Remember the note, Austin.

All I remember is seeing the casket being put under the dirt and people crying. I know I was crying too, I felt the tears running down my cheeks. Without knowing it, I fall to the ground and my whole body shakes with sobs. Her name escapes my lips over and over, even if I know she’s not coming back. I feel someone put their hand on my back, but I don’t mind them. I don’t care if they see me cry. I’m shattered and broken and the pieces of me can’t be put back together.

This is how Mickenna felt, and nobody cared enough until she was dead.