"Hello?" Pt. 1

January 7th, 2016

"I'm drunk."

"I'm sober."

"You're funny when you're sarcastic."

"I thought you said sarcasm was unbecoming."

"Doesn't mean you're not funny."

"Why are you drinking on a Thursday night, Daniel?"

"Why not?"

"Daniel, are you ok?"

"No."

"I'll rephrase the question- what the hell is wrong?"

"I'm wallowing in self pity."

"Yeah, and how's that working out for you?"

"Not all that well."

"Is there a reason for your pity party?"

"It's been a week already."

"Since?"

"Since I walked in on my brother and my girlfriend shagging."

"Huh, a week. Wait, what do you mean that you walked in on them?"

"I walked in and they were having sex."

"You caught them in the act?"

"Yep. They didn't see me, though. I left before they could."

"Daniel-"

"No! Don't do that!"

"Do what?"

"Pity me!"

"Being empathetic does not mean I pity you."

"Just don't you dare say that you're sorry, then. I hate it when people do that. Were you the one that cheated on me with Jesus?! No, so what do you have to be sorry for?"

"Do you want to talk about it? I used be to a barmaid when I was in uni and they're the next best thing to a shrink."

"I wouldn't even know where to start."

"Well, I already know her name was Arabella and that you dated for almost seven years. You were friends before you were boyfriend-girlfriend, and I know she slept with your brother. The rest you can fill in for me. Let's start with you walking in on them."

"I was in Dubai between Christmas and New Year's, finishing up a deal with a client. I was supposed to stay out there until the second of January but I really wanted to see Arabella. I had this whole scenario played out in me head where I would drop down on one keen shortly before midnight and-"

"You were going to propose?"

"I even bought the ring, which is uncharacteristically not me. I've never had the desire to be someone's husband but I thought it was the right thing to do. We'd been together for shy of seven years and I thought it was what was expected of me. God knows, her parents and mine dropped enough hints."

"Whoa, that's... I have no words. Please continue."

"I flew home and arrived back at the house a little after ten pm. I unlocked the door, walked in and nothing seemed out of place. I could hear noises from upstairs, but Samuel liked to bring girls back to my house rather than take them back to his, so I thought nothing of it. I loosened my tie, kicked off my shoes and went upstairs."

"This is starting to sound like that scene from Bridget Jones' Diary, when Mark Darcy arrives home to find Daniel Cleaver boning his Chinese wife."

"Sometimes, fiction mirrors reality, or vice versa. I got to our bedroom door and it was open, giving me a full on view of my brother and my girlfriend having what can only be described as a marathon sex session."

"Did you leave straight away?"

"You would hope I did, but I didn't. I stood at the doorway for a few minutes trying to comprehend what I was seeing and half hoping that they'd notice me there. They didn't. It wasn't until Arabella started shouting Samuel's name, and asking for it harder and deeper, that I finally snapped out of it and left."

"Shit, that's awful."

"I went to meet Elias and he could see that I was completely dazed, so he proceeded to get me drunk and that's when I spilled everything to him. After several scotch whiskeys, countless shots of vile rainbow coloured alcohol, and a tequila slammer, I decided that I would call Arabella and confront her. Only, I didn't get through to her."

"You got through to me, instead."

"Mhm."

"Is that a good 'mhm' or a bad 'mhm'?"

"A good 'mhm.' In a way, I'm glad that it was you that picked up and not her."

"I'm flattered."

"If she had picked up I wouldn't have had the opportunity to throw red wine all over her red dress."

"Silver linings."

"Indeed."

"So, who are you getting drunk with tonight?"

"Elias is helping me unpack, but he's not drinking. - Elias, drink with me!- He's shaking his head. Arsehole."

"You're moving?"

"Moved."

"Don't you have removal companies-slash-minions that could unpack for you? You certainly sound rich enough to hire the job out."

"I did. The movers brought everything in and Evelyn started to unpack, but there were a few boxes that I insisted on unpacking myself."

"Just how important are you, Daniel?"

"That's a backwards way of asking me how wealthy I am, isn't it?"

"Possibly."

"Very. I'm very wealthy and important. Well, my family are, so by association, so am I. That's not something I like to discuss, though."

"Aren't you going to ask me how wealthy and important I am?"

"It's vulgar to talk about money, Sophie."

"I'm still going to do it anyway. I'm extremely wealthy and important."

"Haha. I told you you were funny when you're being sarcastic."

"Except for the fact that I'm not being sarcastic."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Yes."

"You're not funny any more- Elias, tell Fifi she isn't funny any more-"

"Fifi?"

"Yep. By the way, Elias says you're not funny any more."

"He's not saying that. You're saying that."

"Well, he agrees."

"You're drunk, Daniel. Go to bed."

"I'm not ready for bed. Unless you want to join me?"

"Good night, Daniel."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Does that mean you're not joining me?"

"Daniel?"

"Yes?"

"Go. To. Bed. On. Your. Own."

"Yes, mother."

"Good bye, Daniel."

"Sleep tight, Fifi. Don't let the bed bugs bite."

"You are so drunk."

"Mhm."