No. 99 (Joey Bada$$)

40• A Cloudy Mind

• June 16, Thursday •

   I felt so drained when I woke up. I don't want to do anything today, I tried to go back to sleep but my body wasn't allowing that. Joey wasn't there, he left his number on my nightstand.
   My body hit the cold air once I got out the covers. I did the morning routine and bent over the kitchen counter thinking about life.
   Why did so many bad things happen this year? Why did I not say anything to those people that wanted me to fail? How come where I wanna go isn't on the map? I have so many questions unanswered about myself. Do I even know who I am and what I want in life? What are my goals?
   Silence is golden but when you're alone with it you can't help but to think. When those bad thoughts flood I don't have control over myself and that's the worst feeling ever.
   Sadness can do a lot of things. It can drive you to insanity or even kill you but people's words do that too. People can link to sadness and many emotions obviously but nothing affects you like words. I mean maybe, but that's just me.
   I try to change for me but change is hard when that's all you know. When all you know is the bad sad. It's like erasing your mind of everything. They say loss makes you stronger but it makes me weak and makes me angry. So many things have failed in my life.
   Shaking feelings of guilt is hard and makes me nervous. All you know is fear because your parents were never there and giving you the wrong information.
   My dad was all about education. Education was his main focus. Nothing wrong with telling your kids about success and schoolwork but there's a time for that. Maybe all I needed was a hug, a text back or even a normal walk around the neighborhood with him. All the nigga ever worried about was a report card, it blinded him and was part of our families downfall.
   My mom didn't take me seriously, she thought my feelings were a joke and were just hormones. Every time I told her about a bad day...

"You're just whining about unnecessary things." She would say

   If you think getting embarrassed in front of class is unnecessary then you gotta go somewhere and do something with your life.
   I know I'm going to be successful in life but what's killing me is when I'm gonna top the charts and what I'm going to do. I have one year to think about it.

How am I gonna get myself out of all this shit?