No. 99 (Joey Bada$$)

72• Maybe You're Right Maybe This Is All That I Can Be

   After we were done recording I got lost in my thoughts and he noticed it.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he put away his earbuds.

"Just my thoughts." I looked out the window.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked

I nodded my head. "I do. I do want to talk about it."

"I'm all ears." He sat down next to me.

"I hate to sound like a downer but family is really bothering me. My mom."

"Nah. Go on and tell me all about it."

"So my mom was in a coma, right?" I started.

"Right."

"Why did I care?" I felt my ears get hot from my rising anger.

"Cuz that's ma dukes! Dafuq you mean?"

"I know that but after all the shit she's done to me...I still care about that bitch!"

He sat up. "Please tell me one of the things she's done for you to have this negative ass mindset."

"Alright this was around April. I just came from school and my parents sat me down." I started.

*Flashback*

   I walked into the house and my mom spoke up with dad sitting next to her holding hands.

"Good afternoon." They both said.

"Hi." It seemed a little odd that they were here sitting at the table...together...on a weekday. They should be at work. I set my book bag down and grabbed a bag of chips and juice.

"Come sit." My mom said.

I sat down and raised my eyebrows. "Alright...?"

"We want to talk about you and how you've been acting lately. It's been a while since we spoke as a...you know..." My dad's voice trailed off.

"No, I don't know." I snapped.

"As a family." He said.

"This ain't no family. Call this a family when my brother comes back." I opened my bag of chips

"Leslie please, just let us speak." My mom said

"Fine."

"So I've noticed how you've been a bit distant-"

"Distant how?" I interrupted my dad.

"Stop interrupting me!" He yelled while making me jump. "I don't like the attitude that you've been give us. I don't know where all this is coming from, you're never like this. You're a good kid and I know it- we all know it."

I furrowed my brows. "An attitude..."

"Mmmhm." Mom crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

I started to get angry.

"I wanna let you know that you're under your mom's and I's roof and we will not tolerate that nasty ass attitude you've been catching for how ever many days." Dad said sternly.

"This shit ain't gon fly with us. You're a child and you need to know that."

I usually would've said ok, drop it and go on with my day but I felt like they needed to know about themselves. I laughed "Alright, soooo...y'all think that I'm disrespecting you guys?"

"Mhm." My mom said

Her mhm's were pissing me off so I wasn't going to sugar coat the real shit I was about to say to them. "I wouldn't have to catch an attitude if you did what you're supposed to do. You know...I'm done caring now a days, I used to care because I don't want you all to feel like you're failing but God knows that it's going down."

My mom was about to say something but I shut her up with what I did and said.

"Excuse my French but that's some bullshit yall telling me right now. You want to embarrass me in front of family and family friends, keep me in the house and spy on me with a two hundred dollar camera!?" I slammed his wine glass on the floor full of V.S.O.P. "You damn right imma catch a fuckin' attitude! You wanna do all this shit and not expect shit to happen!? Y'all got me fucked up! I'm done with everyone's shit these days!!!!" I chuckled and felt my voice fade away as I continued to yell. "Y'all think that this shit ain't affect me?! Here I am now spilling everything. Y'all mouths are hanging open! Why are you surprised!? Oh yeah, you ain't never thing I was gonna pop off like this- you know what!? Fuck y'all go ahead, do what you guys do best!"

I slammed my phone and car keys on the table. "Take that shit! I ain't got nothin' else to loose! Oh! And don't forget to nag at me, keep my ass in the house and make that camera useful. I'm done with this fuckin' bullshit!" I shook my head. "Finally ain't got nothin' to say."

They kept quiet.

"Mom!? Not even you, good cuz trust and believe I gotta tell you about yo damn self. You wanna say shit like "She's probably thinking about suicide." to the rest of the family thinkin' that shit's funny!" I yelled on the top of my lungs and threw down another glass object. "AIN'T SHIT FUNNY ABOUT THAT! AIN'T NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT SUICIDE AND SELF HARM!!!!!!"

I rolled up my jacket sleeve on my right arm. "You see this shit on my arm? First time you seen this, ain't know you're sweet, sweet daughter cuts herself. But no one knows you like your family, right?" I threw down other fragile things. "Fuck outta here with that bullshit!"

I stormed out the door with my longboard and skated to a park a couple of minutes away from my house. This is where all this hate came from. I've been trapped in my mind for too long.

*End Of Flashback*