Destiny

Sun

A time goes quicker, between the two of us,

oh my love don't forsake me,

take what the water gave me

-Florence

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I hated my existence, I hated Gabriel for making me hate myself. He had reduced me to no more than a sexual object, in his eyes I doubt I was anything more. I hated myself for always giving into his touches, melting beneath his gaze, and continuously hoping he would feel more. Yet time went on. For the three months since Gabriel had returned I felt no more secure in my place as queen. I began to grow paranoid. Hearing whispers of the servants, catching the watchful glances of the soldiers. I did not belong. I was a queen, but not theirs. 

When Gabriel learned of the orphanage I built in his absence he was neither pleased nor upset. yet he held a grim indifference that I had become a close companion to. He did not care for what I did during the day, just as long as a stayed in my place as a good wife should.  Bile rose up in my mouth just thinking of his expectations. I was a woman, not a dog. A queen. Yet why did I obey, at what time had I stopped fighting? 

Gabriel's coldness persuaded me to continue my presence at the orphanage most of the day. Seeing the bright smiles of the children seemed to be the only thing that kept me at peace. By spending so much time with the small children I learned both patience and selflessness, too traits that had not been stressed during my training as a young child. 

I wondered if their parents had once loved them, or if they still did and just did not have the means to take care of their children in this harsh world. These thoughts then turned into brief memories of my mother. The recollections I did have were short and blurry. I remember her skin dark as night, smooth and soft. She always smelled of lavender and summer sun. Her voice low and sweet. My father told me that she had been plagued with an unexpected illness, no tremble or sadness in his voice. I did not question, for I did not doubt that if I questioned too much, I would be plagued with a similar unexpected illness. I accepted her loss like the passing of the sun, gone behind a high hill for night to come. 

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of Balbus' voice. I immediately put my guard up. Whatever it is he wanted, I doubted I would be pleased to hear it. "I wish to speak with you, your highness."He stated bowing slightly. I rose from my seat slowly watching him keenly. "Lead the way."I replied not trusting my back to be turned to him. As we entered the hall Balbus cleared his throat. "I will be very blunt with you, your highness, your actions have raised concerns of many people, some feel that you have mistaken your duty as Queen of Rome, to that of a ..Nurse, some even saying you are too sensitive to rule this great nation, leaving many to question your position...this is merely a warning your highness."Balbus expressed smugly turning to leave as soon as his statement had ended. How dare he. Anger and frustration coursed through my veins. I turned and slammed my hand into the marble wall leaving a small crack and bruised knuckles. Balbus needed to learn his place and quickly.