Love Of A Teenage Girl ✔️

| Chapter Eighteen |

Dear Diary,

Him.

What's happening to me?

It's all happening again, it's all about him.

Everything comes back faster than winter seasons every year, faster than walking by different streets in a car and even faster than that rollecoaster ride. I can already sense my stomach turning while pouring my heart right now.

There's this thing about him that always brings me back to square one.

The way he talks makes my stomach flutter, the way we eye contact really strings my heart, the way he smiles gets me stuttering and when he plays his guitar - oh man - I cannot even think of anything better to watch or listen to. He's intoxicatingly amazing and lovable.

I think I have been wasting way too much time, trying to find the greatest words to describe how I feel about him. I always end up saying the simplest thing like, "I love you," it's that simple. This is never about not being able to live without him. My life just seems so much better with him in it, with his hands in mine and thoughts of him in my head.

I'm always waiting for that message from him that can instantly change my mood. I know I'm clingy, with many flaws and a little - sometimes stupid but when I do love somebody, I love passionately with no doubts nor regrets and without further noticing their flaws becomes somehow - invisible.

I'm terrified of loving you, because I'm scared of losing you.

I'd hold your hand and cross a busy road with my eyes closed, that's how much I trust you.

I don't want to keep expecting way too much and get hurt at the end, I won't be able to bare the hurting and the pain. It's intolerable.

Waiting, waiting and waiting. Thinking, thinking and thinking. If only I could read minds.

I was kinda sure I was over him but there were some nights I imagine what I might do if he showed up unexpectedly expressing his love to me. How if he walked into the room this very second every awful feeling of pain, friend-zone and weakness I felt before would be tossed out the closest window and all the love would suddenly rise up again. It would pour through my eyes as if it never really left in the first place, as if it's been practicing how to stay silent so long only so it could be this loud on the arrival.

Can somebody explain that?

How even when the love leaves, it doesn't leave?

How even when I am so past you, I am so helplessly brought back to you?

Today, we had PE together. I saw him while he was playing soccer with his friends. I stared at him the whole time, sighing. He came in front of me with his friends and I don't think he saw me. I hope he didn't.
I - I still love him. It's kind of weird. Like a month ago, I thought I'm passed this phrase but now, I know I went back to square one.
Why am I so mixed up?

This girl, who was my best friend, lied to me. She always comes to me laughing, saying "I just remember him and I talking together, laughing."

I'm so jealous of her right now. She wasn't like this before. I don't know why she changed but I guess people change in the blink of an eye. She acts innocent, but I can see right through her facade. She was always lying about him, making me jealous, but personally, I hate how she says his name. When another girl tells me she's spoken to him, I really don't care. But when it's her, I get super angry and jealous. Sometimes I think I hate her because he kind of likes her, and how I know she will always mean something to him. I'm not really sure though.

I get jealous of her talking to him.

If she would just tell me she likes him, I would be perfectly fine with her confession, but no. She goes to my other best friend, tells her the same exact things, but for her own benefit.

And her annoying voice ranting on and on when she talks to him.

I know I still like him but all my feelings are still mixed up. Confusion.

There's this quote that reminds me of him:
"...while finding true love was one of the most splendid things that could happen to you in life, finding a friend was equally splendid."

Finding him as my friend is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Dear Him,

So, all I am trying to say is that if you have nowhere else to fall,  fall into me. I promise there will always be space for you.

I still want you, I - I still love you.

Love,

Your Lover.