Love Of A Teenage Girl ✔️

| Chapter Forty - Two |

Dear Diary,

I miss him.

It was going so well, but here I am once again in my personal hell. I thought my feelings were gone, but I guess I was wrong. Freezing when you walk by, wishing you were by my side. Looking away when I know you're there, I don't want you to think I'm a creep if you catch me starring at you. But lately, I can't get you out of my mind. Everywhere I go, you're in my sight. I still love you.

I have this urge to tell you how I feel towards you mainly in hopes that you'll feel the same, you probably don't. But it's okay, I wouldn't fall in love with me either.

I'm sorry that I'm awkward around you. It's just that every time I get near you, I get all shy and I don't know what to say or do.

I've learned that when I'm attracted to someone, it's because of the details.. his kindness, his eyes, his smile, the fact that he can get me to laugh when I need it the most.

I just have this happy personality and a sad soul all in one body. It feels weird sometimes.

"I have a crippling feeling that this is the way my life is going to go forever." I tell myself.

"Like how?" My mirror asks.

"Unloved." I answer silently.

I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I'll dream of you. Because it's about you, it's always about you.

The first time I met you, it wasn't love at first sight. My love for you formed gradually. Your personality, your voice, your hair, your eyes, your sense of humor, the way you looked away and smiled, gradually it all came clear to me. You are exactly what I'm looking for..

You will never think of me the way I think of you. And it kills me everyday.

You never leave my mind, even when I have million things to worry about.

For a long time, She tossed and turned.
Unable to sleep, wondering if maybe, just maybe, he was awake and thinking of her too.

I realized that we fall in love with people we can't have. It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

I'd take him in a heartbeat if he asked to and that's the freaking problem. That's what keeps me from moving on.

Sometimes, he makes me feel like I actually have a chance with him. But when I try to take that chance, he makes me realize I never really did. It hurts to know that you will never look at me the way I look at you.

I want to ask him how he feels about me. But I never did because I was afraid I might not like what he have to say.

I really can't picture anyone having a crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep. I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them or even just smiled at them. I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we're talking. I mean like.. why would they even do that? I'm just me. Nothing extraordinary, or special. Just ugly with an uglier personality. I just have to face it, I have a hopeless crush on someone I have no chance with. It hurts like hell when you know that you need to let go of someone but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen.

I admit that sometimes the best way to stay close to someone you love is by just being friends, even if it hurt.

• We're bumper cars. The more I try to get to you, the more we crash apart. •

Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place where no one else can.

I don't even know what love really is, and maybe I never will. All I know is that there are some smiles that you never get tired of seeing, and some hands you don't ever want to let go and some absences that hurt way too much to ignore.

Love,

Your Lover.