Keep Me Where The Light Is (Camren)

Ch 18.9 - Interlude - Camila's POV

[To Listen To: 'Camouflage', by Selena Gomez]

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Camila's POV

Is there a limit to forgiveness?

Between two people, who at one point in their lives, loved each other unconditionally, can you forgive the unforgivable?

At what point, do you draw the line, or do you question whether true forgiveness should even have a line, to begin with?

Is forgiveness, instead, a paradox in itself?

Fuck, this philosophical shit is too much for my brain to handle right now.

I realize that I'm stuck in stupid semantics again, and it's all Lauren's fault.

Everything is her fault--

I catch myself from laying all the blame at her feet; my past actions haven't exactly been perfect.

First, I was obsessed with the concept of trust; and now here I am, obsessing about whether I can forgive Lauren for breaking said trust to begin with.

I mean, what's the point though?

It's been nine months; you'd think I'd have this shit all sorted out by now.

A tiny freaking human can be grown in that time period, and here I am, still trying to unpack my breakup feelings.

I thought I had already moved past it, but when her last white lie revealed itself, it was blatantly clear that I just side-stepped around the root of the issue.

And it really, just takes me back to square fucking one; does Lauren deserve my forgiveness?

Does she even want it, at this point?

I mean, I refuse to go through all of this shit, without getting some sort of meaningful life lesson out of it.

That's the whole point, right?

You go through all the crap life throws at you, and somehow, you're supposed to emerge out of it stronger, and more mature. Right?

I guess I can say that part of it is true; I don't feel as fragile as I used to, I don't feel the same hopelessness I used to feel, at the thought of being apart from Lauren.

I have more energy and time for friends, and family; I feel more focused with my career, and I'm even doing a lot more of my own songwriting on the side. I have to give myself at least a little bit of credit for getting my life back on track.

My phone abruptly rings, and I stare at it blankly, seeing October's name on the screen.

I roll my eyes right away. God, even I've started naming all of these people after the calendar months, just like DJ and Mani.

Sure, it's been fun, and exciting, and super easy, and just-- totally...superficial.

Fuck.

My mind drifts back to the last time Lauren and I were in the same place, at Ally's birthday party.

Lauren seemed...happy; maybe even less burdened? It's either that, or she went immediately on auto-pilot, like I did.

I feel a pang of bitterness surface, followed shortly by my conscience reminding me that this is what I asked for.

I'm supposed to be growing past these childish games, but I'm allowed to relapse every now and then; I'm only human. But for fuck's sake, I even made sure July was extra hot, just because I knew Lauren wouldn't miss Ally's birthday.

I shake my head; what was I hoping for, really? Some sort of dramatically romantic reaction? I purposefully tried to bait her, knowing how jealous Lauren is-- used to be-- now, I guess.

She barely batted one of her perfect eyelashes that night, and she even initiated a hug that I still think about, months later. I think she must've changed her shampoo too, her hair smelled different. She--

My phone lights up again, and this time, it's a couple of texts from September.

I roll my eyes immediately, because seeing all of these different people isn't really that much fun anymore.

They all compliment me, and make me feel good about myself; and they laugh at my stupid jokes, but not because they got it, but out of politeness.

And I keep catching myself, comparing every single person to her, to Lauren.

Like, how I'd rather wake up to green eyes, instead of any other colour; or like how they all just knew how to tell left from right, without even having to use their hands.

Or like how they'd tell me I'm beautiful, like it's supposed to be sweet and romantic or something, but their words just don't have the same effect on me.

Their words, their touch, they just feel so-- empty.

But is it really, though? Empty?

Or does it feel empty, because my heart's still overflowing with memories of Lauren, that there's just no room for anything, or anyone else?

I sigh heavily, laying back down on my lounger, so I can stare out at the horizon. I close my eyes, listening to the wind, flow through my terrace.

Maybe... Maybe it's time for me to let go.

Maybe, there really is freedom in forgiveness; maybe that's what I've been missing in this entire equation.

But then, that would mean it's truly over-- Lauren and I.

If I let this last little part go, it means I'm really moving on, this time.

I open my eyes immediately, so I can continue looking up at the sky.

It's clear enough, that I can see the silhouette of the moon.

It's just hanging there, waiting patiently in the background, until the sun decides it's ready to set.

Somehow, the sight comforts me; and my thoughts continue to drift, until they stop at yet another question--

Is Lauren the moon, or am I?

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A/N: Oookay! Next chapter, we're back to Lauren, and present day!

Are y'all excited? I sure hope you enjoyed this stretch of calm waters we've had... 😏🙊

Ily! 😘

- Ky

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