Keep Me Where The Light Is (Camren)

Ch 30

To Listen To: 'Heads or Tails', by JOY.

//

We're both surprised when the door swings open, preceded by someone's voice.

"Mila, babe, what's taking so long? We're gonna be la--"

Wait-- Babe?

All of my senses vacuum up into that single word, and it rings too loudly-- deafeningly, in my ears.

I watch Shawn's face ashen, his attention switching from Camila's upset state, to mine, and then back again.

Before I can say a word, Camila rushes by me, gathering all the letters up, and saying, "You weren't meant to read these--"

"Camila, wait--"

"Shawn, let's go." Camila says, under her breath, walking through the door in a frazzled state.

I move to follow her, but Shawn blocks my way, raising a palm up in warning, without saying a word. Then he gives me an apologetic look, and follows right after her, leaving me standing in the middle of Nikki's studio apartment.

I find myself staring at the closed door in confused shock.

What the hell just happened?

Only my own silence answers, and instead of just standing there like an idiot, I decide to go back to the windowsill to pull another cigarette out.

My senses are on fire, and it's a feeling I haven't had in a while.

I want to scream, and shout, and throw things, and get belligerent. But instead of acting out, I choose to keep my focus on the steady in and out of smoking, trying my best to calm myself down.

Fuck, why am I so fucking emotional right now?

As I hold the smoke in my lungs, I realize that I don't really know what to think, or do right now.

There's a rational part of me that's saying that I should've expected this-- that this is all for the better.

But Shawn, of all fucking people? God, what is she--

I shut my eyes, shaking the unwanted images out of my mind.

I mean, what was I thinking? That the letters were some huge, romantic gesture from Camila?

Sure, there was a small part of me that hoped-- no, thought-- it truly was.

But now that I know they're not, is that supposed to change how I feel?

Should it, change how I feel?

Fuck, do I even know what I'm feeling, to begin with?

But then again, if I'm questioning it so much, maybe the answer is a lot more obvious than I'm willing to admit.

Again, I shake my head slightly, trying to throw my train of thought off its rails.

I already made my decision, and I need to stick to it.

I need to move on-- no, I've already moved on--

This is for the best.

I keep repeating it in my head, again and again, until I convince myself to get my shit together and go home-- to Lucy.

I butt the smoke out, and start gathering my things. But then the door opens, and Nikki peeks in apprehensively.

Our eyes meet, and she gives me a look that's telling me that she probably ran into Camila on her way up.