Keep Me Where The Light Is (Camren)

Ch 24

[To Listen To: 'The After You', by Miakoda]

//

"Promise me something, Lo?" She asks.

I nod against her shoulder, afraid to even hear my own voice.

"Please, just--" She pauses, and I feel her hold on me start to loosen.

Then she tilts her chin up, to whisper against my ear, "...just keep me where the light is..."

She frees herself from me, at the same time that I let her go.

And in the space between her heartbeat, and my next, Camila's gone.

When the door swings open again, Lucy's standing there. She props it open with one foot, and watches me.

She doesn't say a word, she just looks at me with this unreadable expression on her face.

I can't tell if she's angry, or worried; it's like she's waiting for me to say something.

"Camila-- she...wanted to get back together," I say slowly, not hiding the confusion in my own voice.

Lucy's face falters for a moment, until I add, "I told her it was over..."

I watch her take a deep breath; was that a sigh of relief, or...?

I turn around, so I can grab some tissue to wipe my tear-stained cheeks, and I avoid Lucy's gaze in the mirror.

It makes me wonder whether she's questioning if I'm telling the truth. I know it's not hard to judge the past, and it's even harder to trust the future.

Without raising my eyes, I ask quietly, "Do...do you think I'm selfish, Luce? For choosing to move on? For wanting to be happy?"

Only her silence answers me; but when I turn back around, Lucy's already covered the space between us, and she brings me into her arms.

She brushes the hair out of my face, and she answers, "Yes, and no."

I feel the wind knocked out of me, of course she--

But Lucy nudges me with her forehead, getting me to look back at her. Her eyes are dilated from the weed, but she's looking at me, like she sees me clearly.

And when I lower my gaze, she says, "But you say that like it's only a bad thing, Laur-- it's not."

I lift my chin to respond, but she shakes her head at me slightly, cradling my face. I find comfort in the kindness in her eyes; I've always adored that about her, and I still do.

Lucy's expression softens, and she says, "You talk about happiness like it's something you give, or take... There's a kind of selfishness where you hold someone else's happiness hostage, 'coz you can't find it in yourself, to make your own."

The corners of her lips lift subtly, and she continues, "But there's another kind of selfish, Lauren..."

Lucy swipes her thumbs just under my eyes, like she's making sure I'm listening.

She then takes a breath, and says, "The kind of selfish where you're allowed to let go, where you're allowed to move on-- I mean-- How the fuck else are you supposed to live the rest of your life, if you let every mistake consume you, instead of change you?"

Her words, they seep into my pores, and slip under my skin.

They meld into my bones, and they fill the tiny fractures, living under the scars of my insecurities--

And it quiets the storm inside me.

Lucy places a tender kiss on my forehead, then she takes my hand, and says, "Let's go home, Lauren."