Keep Me Where The Light Is (Camren)

Ch 25

To Listen To: 'If I Ain't Got You', Alicia Keys/Lauren Jauregui

//

I recognize it, because it's my own handwriting, scrawled onto the crumpled surface.

My eyes scan over the cursive lines in disbelief.

They go over and over the same name that I used to whisper in my dreams, because there's no longer any room for it, when I'm awake.

But then my lips part, and I finally say her name aloud.

"Camz..."

The next thing I know, I'm on my knees, and I'm emptying the garbage bag, letting its contents spill all over the floor.

My hands shakily comb through the mess of papers and material, and my eyes land on yet another open envelope with my handwriting on it.

I hold my breath, recognizing it as the third one I slipped under Camila's door.

Are they all in here?

I can feel my nerves trying to claw their way out of the tips of my fingers, and I go back into the pile, carelessly tossing aside anything that doesn't even remotely look like a letter.

It doesn't take me long to find another-- then another, and another, until I have all six letters in various states of distress, piled up beside me.

My hands are itching, and I have to place them flat over my thighs to keep them from trembling.

I realize I'm having a hard time breathing now, just looking at them. And even with all the questions racing through my mind as to what they're even doing here, and why they're in the garbage-- my thoughts just feel...blank as fuck.

Did Camila return them while I was on the road? Has she actually kept them all, this entire time? Was it even her, who brought them here?

When? How?

And fuck, why? Why now?

Then again, did Lucy know about them? God, did she read them?

Wait-- was she going to keep them from me? I mean, they were all thrown in with the rest of the recycling, they wouldn't just fall in by themselves, so--

But Lucy wouldn't do that, would she?

But then if she did, how am I supposed to feel about all of this?

Completely unprepared, and confused-- those are the main things I'm feeling right now.

I run both hands through my hair, and I rub at my eyes, trying to settle down my rampant thoughts and emotions.

But my eyes settle back down the innocent letters beside me.

What. The Actual. Fuck.

Okay, well now that I've arranged them all in the order I remembered giving them to Camila, I'm faced with a decision that I'm not really sure I'm ready to make just yet.

Do I put them back where I found them, and pretend I never saw them? Or do I let my curiosity get the better of me, and read back what I wrote.

Even though I know the contents of these envelopes, actually going through them and reliving or remembering the past, isn't exactly something I've been planning on.

I mean, it's been almost two years since I wrote these...

So much has changed.

Camila and I have gone through such insane highs and lows since then, and now things have actually stabilized, for the both of us.