Coming Out 101

17

Just let me go.

That won't happen again, will it? I don't care but my mother's scared. If people wouldn't care, then there would be no need, would there?

I don't want to sound dramatic; it really isn't, but I guess this is the best way to describe the experience ...

I turn the corner and I see the gender sign, I'm disappointed, but I let it go because other won't. Turn right around and walk to the legal, the safe, the 'correct' bathroom. I expect a few stares, yes, that;s the least.

"Is that a boy?!"

They gasp, I try not to gasp, and they all laugh. The room erupts into a fit of laughter and I leave quickly. I just think: I'm a boy - not a girl. No way am I going back again. I don't belong there. But logic unfolds: I'll have to soon - If I'm doing right by what others want ... which is something they expect of me - enter into something that I'll never be. I always feel like I have to puff out my chest to prove my biological sex ... Perhaps walking a certain way will let them see that they're just like me? But they aren't. I'm still a man. After all, everyone is different and society loves to point those differences out.

Honestly, I could have just gone into the boys' bathroom, right? No one would ever know - it's not their business anyway what I have under my pants. That'd be easier, it seems, but not really. If someone knows me as only a girl I'm screwed. Or at least I could be. Metaphorically and (if I am really lucky) literally screwed. HAHAHA. Now I'm just joking.

Now I'm just honest: People kill or rape targets - and it's as if, despite themselves, they can't do what's right. But deep down, its simply because they don't want to. And the crimes against the LGBT+ community are no less of a crime against a straight person. Sure, it has nothing much to do with me personally - so far, none of my family has wanted any ill harm towards me because of my sexuality or my gender. I'm grateful; we should all be grateful for the ones who love us for who we are. The value of a human life has been degraded by CEOs, governments, and communities ... it's nothing personal, right?

The reality of LGBT+ hate crimes upsets my mother; strangers hate people like me. But these are strangers hating strangers. A homophobe wouldn't know a homosexual walking on the street, but they can still say they hate homosexuals. It's no different than a politician hating a competitor ... or is it?

I don't want to be deterred by the enemy. And the enemy isn't the crazy Westboro Baptist church a few states up or the homophobic politician next door who's next door who's keeping our state from legalizing gay marriage. It's the human hate that exists within society. It's the ignorance that invades the hearts of humanity. No matter where you go, someone won't like you. I can live with that.

People expect me to be okay with being called a 'she' or going to the girls' bathroom. I'm not - why should I let society define what I am? I am in a man's body, but sometimes I feel trapped because of it's limitations. It doesn't express what I feel inside completely - I still have parts that don't belong, or parts that I wonder, why don't I have this? I should have it but I don't; so I guess it really is a woman's body ...

Or maybe not. Maybe it's a trans-man's body. I'm a transgender, after all, and I can finally say, like a refreshing breeze spouting from the winds of a humid sky, I am proud of that. I'm not that girl anymore and I just hope people can forget her. She lied to herself and showed off her false femininity that could never be true. She didn't know a lot of things about herself.

I won't go into a bunch of why's and why not's. I just know that it's not right. I walk into one bathroom, I get stares; but if I'm honest with myself and go into the one I prefer - the boys' bathroom - I'll just have the worry of someone noticing that something's not 'right' about me. My conscience tells me just go to whichever you want. It's your body, right? My reasoning for doing what I desire is (I'd like to think) quite reasonable: I'm a transman.

And I can only imagine what trans-women go through ...