Coming Out 101

26

So I am a cisgender female, okay? Remember that. And, of course, pan. And this is going to be a little different because I'm going to include a little backstory but please bear with me. It's kinda long. Sorry.Okay, so the first ever experience I ever had that had to do with FEELINGS and gay stuff was when I was in around third grade. I remember it so clearly for some strange reason, it kinda is freaking me out. Anyway, keep in mind I had not heard anything about the entire LGBTQ community until about late sixth-early seventh grade nor did I get into it. My school and life was incredibly sheltered and nothing was ever mentioned about same-sex relationships or relationships in general or any crushes of the same sex. It. Was. Very. Sheltered.Anyway, so I was on the bus, sitting next to this girl that got off a couple stops after me. I was really nervous for no real reason, and I did not really talk much then, so when we hit it off and talked it was great. Keep in mind I was like nine or ten. So when it came to my stop, I felt like I had to do something. I reached out and pecked her on the cheek like anyone would do to family, but the thing is is that I didn't let it of or just pass it on. I brushed it off later though, it was just one of my weird quirks I guess.Anyway, I never let that moment go. I don't really understand why because I had no idea of anything related to gay and until fifth grade it was an old word for being happy.   Okay, so time skip to fifth grade. My first real crush on a guy. Totally normal at that time.Before that, now that I look back on it, there were so many girls I had teeny crushes on before that that I passed up as just normal platonic feelings because they were not as strong and I have a really hard time distinguishing platonic and romantic feelings apart.Anyway, I had my first real crush on a guy at the time of fifth grade. He was my friend for a while and I began to develop feelings, like any normal schoolgirl. I don't remember much of it, actually I really have tried to forget most of it for the longest time. So I like him, and I have this friend. We will call her Stacey. Stacey had been my "friend" for the longest time, but because of my appearance she teased and bullied me. I kind-of did not like her. Yes this has nothing to do with the story so far I know but we will get into it. For short, I trusted her with my secret and she told another person and the next day everyone knew. After that, the dumb guy I had as my first crush started to actually see me, and he bullied me. A lot. To the point of depression.The thing is is that I didn't have any other friends so that continued for the rest of fifth grade until the school year ended and I was so happy that I never would have to see him again I swear I would cry.That's the start, okay? That's the part about how I refused to like anyone afterwards, girl or guy. I did not think of liking girls at the time, either, but now I know I did. So, a girl and guy crept up into my heart. I don't realize my feelings for the said girl until later, but the guy I just deny until it is too late and it turns out he liked me back for a brief period of time.The thing is I still sort of liked him by the time I was realizing gay stuff and myself, and he is super religious. Really super religious. So he doesn't support. He is actually still my friend and I still kinda like him but that's besides the point.I really didn't want anything about liking other girls to mess up my friend bond with him... But. I cannot deny it. I am actually mostly gay, so ha.Anyway, I started realizing it when I started to get feelings for the girl friend in which I talked about having feelings for. Of course I denied the flutter in my heart before but it just intensified until I could not really hold back the truth much longer.My only other LGBTQ friend that I knew at the time was a girl that went to my school beforehand that was bi. I was in seventh grade at the time, keep in mind I was still questioning. So I went to her to help me find out myself, since she apparently had known since she was young. It was over text and at school the next day.It went something like this:Me: Hey. Can I tell you somethingHer: yeah, sure. What's up. Me: I think I'm questioning my sexuality sorry to just spring it up on you I mean...Her: but dude you're straight.Me: oh yeah, sorry. Nvm. Forget I said anything. Just delete it. Her: K.Remember the thing I said about trust issues earlier? Yeah. I don't trust her anymore. I flat-out just extinguished any hope that I had as soon as she said that.Okay. So, I brushed off my feelings because of course I was wrong I mean she knew more than I did. So I went to school the next day, trying to avoid her, and the thing that pisses me off now is that she actually came up to my locker to talk to me about it.I told her I liked this girl, let's call her Jesse.Me and Jesse were best friends, the only girl in the world I could fully trust. I probably had liked her for a long time, but my romantic feelings were pushed off, girl or boy. So the other girl, let's call her London (the bi girl I talked about earlier), came up to me at my locker."What's up with that text last night?" She asked something like that. I avoided eye contact and replied with something like it wasn't important. London eventually got me to confess."Well I think I like Jesse.." I trailed off. Just saying her name made me blush and my heart tingle."Oh yeah, that's perfectly normal. You always like your best friend," says her. I just went along with it and just became white straight cis girl  in the world like society wanted me to be.Yeah, that did not last long.So there was this girl in GS, AKA Girl Scouts, in which I hung around a lot. She was very clingy, but to be fair I was too and I liked that. She liked all of the fandoms I was in and we hit it off. I actually began to really like her, and I started to tell Jesse that I was bi, since I liked her and actually admitted it to her. She was cool with it (no feelings returned but all that mattered was that she accepted me), and she admitted that she was now a they. Jesse used they/them pronouns then, so that's what I called them. I supported them fully and discussed plans where we could shop for binders with their other genderfluid friend and when I could help them become uncloseted.Off-track. So I liked them, but I also liked the girl in GS. I told Jesse I liked the GS girl, and they totally supported me. The GS girl was a pansexual, and I realized that I liked the personality, and gender did not matter, so I realized I was pan too. I like her to this day, but she is now genderfluid, so I am going to use they for the GS person too. The GS person always had a boyfriend, to be fair they were easier to get than same-sex, but that did not matter. It was at the point in time where I always noticed hot females, and I actually prefer dating female than male (due to story of first crush. It's relevant.), so I had those fantasies of course. I always hope that they liked me back and I still do.I love them both, but none of them even liked me. I am actually completely fine with that. I just hope that they are happy and they accept me.Jesse is now transboy, so I like one guy and a non-binary, both of them are beautiful/handsome people inside and out. I wish to help them with my full ability.I may not confess my likings and I may not be liked back, but hey. It's just my story. Sorry for the length, I am a very detailed person.