Coming Out 101

39

I am a lesbian! And it took a while to actually figure it out. I was really confused in the 7th grade (I was 12) when I looked around the classroom and thought that it was About Time I started looking for a boy to have a crush on. Then I decided that the boys at my school were just gross and I didn't like them, but I would find my prince eventually. But still, I decided that I was not straight and claimed to be asexual just to make it easier for me to comprehend. I never wanted to be gay; and it wasn't because anyone in my life was so homophobic it scared me, but because I saw all the hate in the world and it made me so incredibly sad. So I didn't want to be gay. Come 8th grade, I got into a class with a girl I had known in 6th. A girl that always gave me butterflies back in 6th. I figured out that I had liked her back then (denied that I liked her at the time) and admitted it to those who asked, but always added that I Was Not Gay. Later that year, I developed the most painful crush on her. As soon as I knew, I told my brother and he honestly didn't care. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't see a reason. But at this point, I didn't care who knew, but I wouldn't go around proclaiming my lesbianism. I didn't start calling myself homosexual for a while, even though I knew I was, because I was still set off by the word. This was around the time gay marriage was legalized, and my friend praised those who openly opposed it, so I didn't tell her. But every time she brought it up I would cry. How could your best friend be so adamantly opposed to your existence?Anyway I told my mom when we were in the car and I said, "Mom, I like a girl." and she said, "I know. You haven't stopped talking about her all day." Then she went on to confirm my gayness and spread the word to everyone in the family, and I didn't mind, because no one really cared. Even my homophobic best friend came around and stopped hating on The Gays. When I told her that I was gay (finally) she said that hating someone for something like that was stupid and she detested it, but owned that she had once denounced homosexuality because that was always what she had been taught in her Greek Orthodox household. Actually, she recently came out to me as bisexual.Essentially for me, it's fun being gay, which probably sounds weird. It's easy for me to be gay because everyone around me accepts it fully as equal to heterosexuality. I am still hyperaware of the hate that still lingers over society, knowing that two of my friends staunchly Christian parents would disown them if they knew about their deviant sexualities, that my best friend's Greek Orthodox household would never look her in the eyes again, and that my ex's Ukrainian immigrant parents would beat her into submission. Coming out is good and healthy. And it feels fucking phenomenal. And it hurts to stay in the closet (this I know though I was never really in the closet). My heart aches for those who do not have the tolerant parents that I have.I also want to talk about another issue. My brother is transgender, FtM. He is out now, but he was in the closet for a long while. After seeing my mother's reaction to his coming out, I really understand why. She was livid and sad and confused to no end. It made me want to kill myself as I would hear my brother cry in his bed some nights. Now, however, with a stern talking-to from our therapist, my mom is completely accepting. She is pro-everything lgbt. She researches it and joins lgbt groups and is my wingman and discusses my brother's future regarding things like testosterone and surgery. Anyway, both me and my brother have never experienced lgbt-phobia directed at us specifically until about a month ago when I was in the hospital on a baker act. Man, some people really love to throw the word dyke around. They didn't know I was a dyke then, though. I did tell them. And I won't go into specifics, but what essentially happened over the five days I was in the facility was a passive aggressive stream of homophobic comments directed at me and then deflected with cunning word choice and quick thinking that shut the b**ch up fast. Even though it made me angry that she was homophobic and I rationalized this anger by understanding that HER hate was worse than MY gay, it still created a dull ache in my chest. On another note, I was once offered sex by a close friend (a boy) who understood completely that I was a HOMOSEXUAL.Even my homophobic best friend came around and stopped hating on The Gays. When I told her that I was gay (finally) she said that hating someone for something like that was stupid and she detested it, but owned that she had once denounced homosexuality because that was always what she had been taught in her Greek Orthodox household. Actually, she recently came out to me as bisexual.Essentially for me, it's fun being gay, which probably sounds weird. It's easy for me to be gay because everyone around me accepts it fully as equal to heterosexuality. I am still hyperaware of the hate that still lingers over society, knowing that two of my friends staunchly Christian parents would disown them if they knew about their deviant sexualities, that my best friend's Greek Orthodox household would never look her in the eyes again, and that my ex's Ukrainian immigrant parents would beat her into submission. Coming out is good and healthy. And it feels fucking phenomenal. And it hurts to stay in the closet (this I know though I was never really in the closet). My heart aches for those who do not have the tolerant parents that I have.I also want to talk about another issue. My brother is transgender, FtM. He is out now, but he was in the closet for a long while. After seeing my mother's reaction to his coming out, I really understand why. She was livid and sad and confused to no end. It made me want to kill myself as I would hear my brother cry in his bed some nights. Now, however, with a stern talking-to from our therapist, my mom is completely accepting. She is pro-everything lgbt. She researches it and joins lgbt groups and is my wingman and discusses my brother's future regarding things like testosterone and surgery. Anyway, both me and my brother have never experienced lgbt-phobia directed at us specifically until about a month ago when I was in the hospital on a baker act. Man, some people really love to throw the word dyke around. They didn't know I was a dyke then, though. I did tell them. And I won't go into specifics, but what essentially happened over the five days I was in the facility was a passive aggressive stream of homophobic comments directed at me and then deflected with cunning word choice and quick thinking that shut the b**ch up fast. Even though it made me angry that she was homophobic and I rationalized this anger by understanding that HER hate was worse than MY gay, it still created a dull ache in my chest. On another note, I was once offered sex by a close friend (a boy) who understood completely that I was a HOMOSEXUAL. He was the first person I ever called myself homosexual in front of, even. But he still asked me if I wanted to experiment and the more I thought about it, the more violated I felt. This happened only earlier this year and it was what really proved that I was gay, even though I was so damn sure beforehand. Well, that's my story. And it's a good one, and I was lucky to have it. I am so very grateful for my story. And I am so very sorry for those around the world that are hurting because they're confused about their sexuality or identity or condemned for it.