Like a Virgin

Chapter Thirty

Melanie's POV
I found it hard to sleep that night. I was tossing and turning until I decided I didn't wanna disturb Chris so I got up to go the bathroom and I locked the door behind me. Shit just doesn't even make sense anymore. I'll never understand why such bad things can happen to such good people.

I threw some water on my face then dried off with a towel and my eyes caught on to one of Chris's shaving razors. I shut my eyes and took a step back. No. Not here and certainly not again. My heart raced and with all the pain I felt from losing Margret I wanted to cut but I know better than that. I went over to the bathtub and drew a bath.

I started to undress and without thinking I grabbed the razor and went over to the now full tub. I stepped inside and sat in the tub hugging my knees to my chest. A fresh set of tears rolled down and I cried heavily but silently because I didn't wanna wake up Chris.

I dunked my head underwater then came back up and pushed my hair back. I don't wanna cut again but it's become so normal for me to solve my problems. This is all I've ever known. I seemed to have been fighting against myself when I picked up the razor. "No, stop I don't wanna do this." I whispered to myself.

I feel like I can hear my mom somewhere cheering me on to do it in my head. Just laughing at me. I close my eyes and I can see that fool that raped me as a receiving end of payment for drugs he was selling. Him grinning at me and slapping me around. "Stop!", I shook my head and covered my eyes.

Is this what it feels like to go insane? No matter what I do my demons are haunting me. Taking over my mind and my soul. Capturing my happiness and taking away my own piece of mind.

There was a light knock at the bathroom door,"Mel you good? I thought I heard you talking to yourself in there and I just want you to know I'm here for you if you need someone."

My body shook and I heaved as I cried aloud. No words were able to leave my mouth. I'm so scared of myself sometimes. I can't even close my eyes without thinking of all that I've been through. I just wish to free myself from it all.

Chris tried to open the door and it was locked so he pounded on the door "Melanie answer me! I'm kinda freaking out, I need to know that you're okay!"

I shook my head submerged my body under the water and I grabbed the razor. I'm no longer in a battle against myself, I realized I'm in a battle against myself. The more I cry and cut and the more I lose sleep and give another ounce of thought to my past, the more it wins.

As I'm underwater unable to hold my breath for much longer and contemplating cutting again and possibly ending my own life, I think back to everything positive that I have gained. Friends, the love of my life, and a new mother like figure, even with her gone she will forever be known to have lived as one of the greatest people to have ever graced the earth. And all this is much more than everything I went through in my childhood. I'm finally the person who I wanted to be. I am me.

So I'm finally going to fight back. I clenched the razor in my hand even as I was still underwater and gripped onto it as hard as I can until it finally snapped in half. I won.

Chris broke down the door and ran over to me before I could come up and he pulled me out of the water. I was choking and coughing up water he grabbed a nearby towel and wrapped me in it as we laid on the floor of the bathroom in each other's arms. My hand was in pain and I saw that my hand was bleeding pretty badly. And Chris grabbed another towel and my hand in that.

I looked up at Chris and saw he was crying. I was kind of in a state of shock. Not because he was crying but because it was finally over. With my good hand I wiped away his tears away,"I'm sorry Chris."