Choices // The Sandlot

18; you get what you get

a/n: I'm at work again and I'm super tired. I woke up early so I could shower and I have to be at work by 8 so I usually wake up at 7 but since I wanted to shower and stuff today I woke up at 6 and I'm ready to kill myself. anyways I just wanna sleep. also Benny is my boyfriend. I don't know I watched the sandlot last night for the 5000th time and I just aghhhhh. he should marry me. I feel like he would be a great calming influence on my social anxiety. so yah. anyways I haven't started writing this chapter and I'm worried what I have planned in my head won't make it long enough but oh we'll. I guess we will see what happens. lots of love, ash❤️❤️

I was nervous. Am I allowed to be nervous I mean it was just a night adventure and all I have to do is act like I normally would when we were just Benny and Amelia not Benny, Amelia, and Phillips the messy love triangle.

I walked downstairs and grabbed my keys before walking out to my car Benny was leaned up against. He opened his arms wide just like that one night.

"Yo Bavasi! Could of taken an hour" he exclaimed. This is way to much like that one night that brought this whole damn situation on me.

"Is that gonna be your new catch phrase for me? I didn't even take that long" I said chuckling and he smiled and shrugged.

"I'm impatient so live with it" he said and I laughed and shook my head at him before sliding in the car. The ride to Peggy's was silent and we decided to stay and sit this time around. I curled my fingers around the porcelain mug that had recently been filled to the rim with some coffee. I took a sip when finally Benny spoke up.

"Do you ever think about what you want your future to be like?" he asked and I nodded. I did honestly all the time. He used to be a part of it but I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore for the fifth hundred time.

"What's it like?" he asked and I smiled.

"I will have a big white house with a bright red door and black shutters. My husband and my two kids would live in it with me. My oldest child would be a boy and his name would be Arlo and he would have his father's hair but my hazel eyes and my second child would be a girl and her name would be Riley and she would be a spitting image of me but with her father's nose and mouth. I would be a famous writer who published at least two new books each year and my husband will do whatever he likes. Me and my family would play baseball together in our big backyard every Friday night and I wouldn't have to worry about nothing at all" I said before realizing I ranted way too much.

"That sounds really beautiful" he said and I smiled.

"It is really beautiful, how about you. What do you want your future to be like?" I asked and he sighed.

"Originally it was baseball but now its.........you" he mumbled and I sat up a bit straighter.

"Oh" I managed to get out and he nodded.

"You know it's so funny how my whole life all I ever cared about was baseball. I mean I still care for it but something in me says that as long as I have you I don't need it as much as I would you" he said and I smiled.

"I promise this will be over soon I'm just confused. I need to clear my head" I said and he nodded.

"You want know the funniest thing about this was. I had you right in my hands, your lips on mine, and your heart set on me and I let you go just because of some stupid thought I had and I just let you run. I let you leave hating me that night and that's where I made my mistake because once you left he had you in his hands instead of mine. He made you feel better when I made you feel bad and I would let you choose him over me any day for that reason because I want you to be happy more then you would be with me" he said and I sighed. I never thought about their pain over this. I had only been thinking about how hurt I was not them. I was a selfish jerk and neither of them deserved me.

"That's the thing Benny I would be happy with you, you made a mistake and don't we all. I'm just not sure who I would be happier with. You or Phillips. That's what I need to find out. The one I truly love and the one I convinced myself to love. Once I find that out this whole thing will be over" I cried. I hurt him. I spent most of my life doing things to keep his happiness over mine and now everything I did hurt him. That's a shock that's hits you harder then it should. He did deserve to be way happier than me and maybe that's what helped me run away that night because he could be happier without me. He was happier without me.

"Well how are you going to find out who you love more?" he asked a little bit softer then his passionate tone during his little rants.

"That's something I'm still trying to figure out" I mumbled dropping my head. I felt bad. The more precious time I took hurt them another minute more. And someone has to come out hurt. I can't fix this 100%. Whoever I choose will be happy again and the other would be hurt even more. Maybe that's what stopping me in the first place. I want them both to be happy but I don't know how to do it without me choosing either of them or choosing both.

"Me and Phillip's were talking" he said and I popped my head up to look up at him.

"About what?" I asked and he sighed.

"Since you can't choose, we decided that together we will decide which one of us end up with you" he said and my heart fell. What about my happiness. See I'm selfish.

"It was his idea and I don't really agree with it but I want this to be over as much as the next person so I said I would do it" he said and I smiled.

"We want you to be happy and since you claim you love the both of us whoever you end up with should be good enough for you" he finished and I gave a tight smile. A fake smile. That's the thing. Their decision wouldn't be good enough for me because I didn't make it myself. Then again you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.