Elija Grimes sleeps with everyone he bumps into and even finds himself in bed with his three 'straight' friends. His actions have enormous consequences and it's questionable whether those are good or bad.
(Standalone)
Written: May 2016 - Jan 2017
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~ Elija ~
Okay, why the hell am I feeling like I'm not missing anything but feeling like I am missing something really important at the same time? Nothing makes sense anymore. I don't want to be doing what I used to do anymore. I don't want to sleep with all of these people anymore. I feel... dirty. I feel like I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing, but why? Those two people I slept with the past week... I didn't even bother telling them 'till next time'. And for some reason I felt guilty afterwards.
Guilty for having slept with them.
I couldn't even place the feeling at first. I haven't given a fuck for so long that it took me forever to figure out why I was feeling so uneasy. What it was that I was feeling.
The first time I slept with someone, I could barely remember it the day after. I was pretty fucking drunk. If I had had even a little more alcohol, I wouldn't even have known I'd lost my virginity at all. I had just turned fifteen, and Seth, Mikky and Gray were quite shocked to hear about it. Back then, I felt guilty, because of their reaction. It made me wonder why I even did it, but then I kind of just kept doing it, because I had discovered how much fun it could be. The guilt completely disappeared. As long as I don't hurt anyone's feelings, what's wrong with it? I still stand behind that. There's nothing bad about sleeping around when you're not involved with anyone. When all the parties involved are okay with it.
So why am I feeling so shameful again?
I know it has something to do with what happened with my friends, but... what precisely triggered my mind to think it's wrong? Sure, I was regretting taking Gray's virginity, but that wasn't it. We'd put it behind us. Neither did Seth resent me for it. He didn't mind at all. So, is it Mikael? This is driving me crazy!
Is it because he didn't really want it? He was so angry about it that he didn't even want to see me for a week. He's forgiven me now, but I think that maybe... he has not forgiven himself. He's mad about the fact that he did something with a man when he isn't into men. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he's just in denial, yet that isn't it. I think it's more complicated than that. And the fact that this whole thing is bothering him so much doesn't sit well with me. I don't like seeing him so confused and unsure. Mikael is always confident—he has nothing to be unconfident about. He's smart and nice and good-looking and just... he's fucking great.
Really, this is a puzzle that bothers us both. A puzzle that has to be solved. A puzzle that needs to be solved, because I don't like the tension that's going on at all. He's not the only one that's confused and unsure. I am more confused than I've ever been. I keep looking at him instead of the TV, silently trying to figure him out, thinking, what if... He said he did it because he wanted to know what it's like, but what if it's because he wanted to know what it's like with me? Me specifically. Although I don't know why I'm thinking that...
