unexpected - b.w.s

41. 216 hours

I think the reason why I did it the first time, is because I was naive. He was right.

But why I do now, I've got no idea. Deep down I know it's stupid, and if you asked me a month ago, I wouldn't have done it. But time changes, and so does people.

I think maybe one of the hardest things in life, is to let go, of what you thought was real. He was probably one of the hardest thing to let go. 

9 days. 216 hours. 9 days since he said those things at the fieldtrip. He had probably forgotten all about me for now, but I can't. No matter how much I try, he's staying in my head.

I haven't really been feeling great since then. It really sucks when you think the only person who can make you feel better, is the person who made you feel like this. Like crying all the time. Feeling like you're alone even though you acctually have someone, but you don't think they can do the same, he was able to do - heal you.

But I want him, and at the same time get over him, and neither are happening.

It's like when I'm sad or upset, I comepletely shut myself down. I tell myself that nobody cares, even though inside I know some people do. I give myself all the pain, I think I deserve. I'm not really sure why, but that's the way it is.

Even though I haven't been talking to him, I've heard people talk about him. "I've heard he almost enden up at the hospital." They said. It was something about a fight. It didn't suprise me it was a fight, but it must have been bad, since he was about to go at a hospital.

Some days, I have been hanging out with Katy, Kara and Andrew, and I was at this right moment. I feel like it's a long time since I've eaten proberbly. I didn't feel like it, and whenever I did, I went out to the toilet, to throw up.

"What are you gonna get?" Kara asked me, looking up from her menu. I hadn't even looked at mine, because I knew I wasn't hungry.

"I'm not gonna get anything." I answered bluntly. Katy looked at me furrowing her eyebrows . She probably knew. I looked the other way, and saw some of the guys who Bradley was hanging out with, but apparently he wasn't there. A lot of the people from the school was here after school, it was right beside it.

"Come on, aren't you at least gonna order anything?" Andrew asked me, but I just shaked my head.

"I'll order some fries, and we can share." Katy chirped up, looking at me.
I didn't answer to that, I just shrugged. I knew she wasn't gonna let me say no.

It wasn't long we had to wait before our food arrived, and when it did, i had a couple of fries. It was first now I discovered how hungry I actually was, but still I felt like I needed to get it out.

I excused myself before walking down the stairs to the toilet. I was just one big toilet, not divided in men and woman section. I opened the door, not even looking before walking into the little tight toilet cubicle.

I knelt down in front of the toilet, and stuck two fingers down my throat. I gaghed at first, bit then I felt myself throwing up down in the toilet.

The tears were already forming in my eyes, as I stood up again. I really felt bad, I felt like crying. How did I end up like this? Why am I even doing this? I don't know why, I mean it's not like it is helping me, at all. I only think that. But when I do it, I feel awfull afterwards.

I look up, and get greeted with the known brown eyes, I have been missing for 9 days.