unexpected - b.w.s

59. Conscious

I fluttered my eyes open, still feeling drowsy. I was a bit cold, and Bradley wasn't besides me, as he was, when we fell asleep. I sat up slowly, discovering he sat about a meter away from me. He was sitting looking out at the water again, with a cigarette in his hand.

"What is on your mind?" I moved up besides him, sitting cross legged.

"Huh?" He looked at me, a bit surprised. He had bags under his eyes, and he looked like he didn't have any sleep.

"You shouldn't act like it's only you, who knows all about me. I know you things about you, that people don't."

He slowly let out his tongue, to wet his lips. "Oh do you? Then tell me something."

I looked away from him, paying attention to the bird walking along the shoreline. Last night, there weren't any birds or people, but now, birds were flying around. An old couple were walking with there dog, a little further down.

"You're hiding yourself. You don't want to show other people your weak side, so you always act like you don't care." I said simply. He didn't reply, he kept on smoking.

"Honestly, you're a bit sentimental." I looked at him, but he didn't at me. He bowed his head down.

"You smoke everytime you feel stressed, or need to think about something." I carried on. "So, what is on your mind?"

He brought his cigarette up to his pink tinted lips, inhaling the very last bit of it.

He didn't answer, which made me feel nervous. The time he called me at night, and asked me to come down to the lake, he leaved at the morning. He said everything was a mistake, and what if he thinks the same now?

"Do you regret it?" My voice didn't come out as clear as I thought it would be, it was more of a whisper.

His eyes met mine again. "No. Do you?" He silently asked.

I just shaked my head. Bradley took his arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder.

I wondered why two people could go through so much together, and then still end here. From the very beginning, it started getting complicated.

"Why did you talk to me in the first place?" I asked in an undertone.

Again, he didn't answer. I moved my head, looking up at him. "I did it for sex." He said, not wanting to look me in the eyes.

I removed my head from his shoulder, not really sure if I hear correctly. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I figured you were a virgin, and therefore an easy target." His word hung heavily in the air, repeating themselves.

"Oh my.." I muttered under my breath. I stood up, ready to walk away from him, without even thinking. I was afraid he was the same person he described last night. That he hasn't changed.

"Fuck, I shouldn't have said that." I heard him mutter, as he quickly stood up, grabbing my wrist.

"Mags-" He turned me around, but I released my hand from his grasp.

"So it was true..?" My voice were already shaky. "When you said you could write me on that list of girls you've had sex with, when you're were done with me?"

"Of course not." He looked at me with widened eyes. He placed his hand on my cheek, but again, I brushed it away.

"Don't lie to me, please." He stared at my lips, while I was talking. "Don't..."

His pupils was now fixated on my eyes. Something in his expression looked mad.

"Do you really think I told you all of that shit about me, for nothing?" The vein in his neck was in vision.

"Maggie, I-I'm not using you just for sex, I thought you knew that. You're not just another pointless girl to me." His glare softened, while he was speaking.

"I didn't kiss you, because I wanted to go further with you. I didn't kiss you, to pretend. Not the first time, not last night."

"I did it because I... I like you. I keep pushing you away, because I wanna convince myself the opposite. Truth is, I've never believed that I would feel this way about someone, and it fucking scares me." His eyes tried to convince him right. He was almost begging.

He, yet again, put his hands on either side of my cheeks, but this time I didn't do anything. "I trust you, you should trust me." He tugged som hair behind my ear.

"I just... I need some time to think." I said slowly, not really knowing how he would react.

He licked his lips, still staring at me like he didn't get what I was saying. He took his hand down from my face, without a word coming out of his mouth.

He looked down to his hand, that were about to take a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. "Okay." He mumbled, yet with another one between his lips.

I didn't say anything, as he turned around walking away from the beach, with me following behind.

We didn't talk to each other, we didn't look at each other, but I thought about him. As he was driving the way back, he just sat there smoking, with the window rolled down.