unexpected - b.w.s

60. Guilty

I honestly didn't wanna confront Kyle. I didn't wanna speak to him. The fact that I deep down knew I had to, scared me.

It was like he knew. He haven't been talking - neither texting or calling me ever since I found out. The time I went to the beach at night with Bradley. He haven't said a word to me either. Not that I expected him to, but it was like he was ignoring me.

"Are you even listening to me?" Katy said. I snapped my head towards hers.

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"Don't tell me you're thinking about him again, Maggie." She raised her eyebrows, but she already knew the answer. She said I never listened to her whenever he did something. I guess she was right about that, but this time he haven't done anything, and that was more the problem. I said I needed som time to think, maybe that was why.

Even though it wasn't him, I needed to think about. It was the fact that I just found out about Kyle, and then I go straight to Bradley, we even kissed. Again, everything was just too overwhelming. It was too much.

"What has he done now?"

"It's nothing." I tried to convince her, but I knew she wasn't gonna let it go so easily.

"Honestly, he haven't done anything."
I haven't told her about him being gay. I wasn't planning on either.

I couldn't believe Bradley was right. When he said he was trying to protect me, he genuinly was. I thought he was being selfish.

"I don't get you two." She shaked her head, with a little smile.

"Me neither." I git up from her bed, taking my coat hanging from her chair.
"But I'm gonna go, I'll see you tomorrow." I took my scared around my neck.

"See ya," She called, as I walked out of her house.

I almost couldn't bare speaking to her anymore, as I felt I was lying. She didn't ask me about Kyle, but I was scared she was going to. I hated to admit that I was a bit ashamed. Not about him being gay, and the fact that we were friends. Not the fact that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Simply just ashamed of myself.

I felt like I was letting people inside too quickly, even though it didn't happen that often. I felt like every person I let in, hurt me. And I knew that wasn't true, when I think about Katy and the others. But when I think about Bradley and Kyle, it felt true.

I kept on forgiving Bradley because I was afraid to let him go. I told him about my life, I've spent a whole lot of time with him. He was there for me when I was down. He was sometimes the reason why, but I forgave him anyway.

"Maggie, hey!" I heard a voice behind me. I knew who it was, and made me wanna go on. I didn't wanna turn around but I did it anyway, meeting the face I didn't wanna confront.

"Hi," I try to smile, but I don't think it looked convincing. "I... I need to talk to you."

There was no way back now. As much as I just wanted to leave him without an explaination, I couldn't.

"Okay." Kyle said, furrowing a bit with his eyebrows.

"I know you lied." I looked up at him. He didn't look surprised, he looked more confused. "I know your gay." I said quietly.

Then his eyes widened. I could see the almost worried look on his face, making me honestly a bit sad. It was true. I had hoped it was something Bradley said, but now it was confirmed.
He didn't know what to say, he just stared at me, without a clue to how to act in this situation.

"Why did you use me like that?"

"Maggie, I'm..." He looked nervous, stopping in the middle of the sentence. He didn't know what to say.

"I thought I could trust you." I said, starting to feel a lump in my throat. It was hard to even say something. It felt big, like I couldn't even sink.

"You can, I was just-"

"You were just what? Why couldn't you just tell me the truth, we could've been friends?" I managed to say, without a tear falling down. My eyes were filled up, but I blinked some away.

"Because I'm not... I'm not proud of who I am." Kyle said. "I wanted people to think I wasn't gay."

"That's your explaination?" I choked down my tears. I couldn't believe him right now.

"I'm really sorry, Maggie. I'm just scared... my dad don't like homosexuals, I'm scared what people on this school thinks. I shouldn't have used you like that, and I'm sorry."

I looked at him, as he just stared at me aswell. "It still doesn't give you the right to use me the way you did." I said toneless.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. He looked vulnerabel, but something about his glance seemed blank.

I turned around leaving, feeling used, angry, sad, but somehow guilty.