unexpected - b.w.s

68. Wordless

I only asked Felix, because he didn't know him. He didn't think he knew him, he didn't know the rumours.

I told him almost everything. I didn't know him that well, but I felt it was better that way. He was understanding. Not trying to look beyond it, simply just listening to the words I spoke about him. I felt like nobody knew the real him. That part of him where he would be honest and almost sentimental.

He said I should talk to him, and I know I should.

Bradley had apologised after. I didn't expect him to, then again - the kiss was quite unexpected as well. But he did, and I couldn't stop thinking about him, how he felt. Because no matter how he acted, I still had feelings for him.

He knocked on my door. For some reason I knew it was him. I opened it slowly, only to reveal him standing with his phone in his hand. "Hi," he slowly said, while putting it down his pocket.

The corners of my mouth stretched out in a small smile. 

I remembered what Felix had told me. "Let him go, if he doesn't treat you right." That sentence was vividly floating in my mind. It made me think, because a part of me agreed. I felt almost pointless, like one of the others.

But it was like this constant cycle, where he kept on hurting me, being the person everybody saw him as, then act like he isn't, and apologise after. Maybe I was too wrapped up in the thought, that I was the only one he cared about. 

"What's wrong?" But he didn't really sound concerned, more curious. I just shaked my head.

He gazed at me. The part in his eyes that was supposed to be white, was almost red. He was blue under his eyes. But I knew if I asked him what had happened, he would say that it didn't matter. Though this time it didn't seem like it was a fight, more like lack of sleep.

"Are you true towards me?" I asked anyways. 

He looked at me, like he didn't know what to say. "Why shouldn't I be?"

"Why does it always happen?" He looked at me with no clue to what I was meaning. "Why do you always have to keep everything from me? Why do you always have to lie? You know, I'm tired of being treated like that, because if there is someone else, that you're not telling-"

"Baby there's not, okay?" His brown orbs were intense. He always looked liked this, when he was trying to convince me something. "You're the only one. Don't ever think there's someone else."

I felt my heart race quicken. My eyes were wet, but no tears. I didn't feel the lump in my throat, I didn't cry. His hands went up to my cheeks, cupping them. Our faces was so close together, but I didn't move, and he didn't as well. "They don't mean anything to me."

And something about the way he was craving, that I trusted him, made me do it. 

"Then why do you do it? Why don't you just get a job, if you need money so bad?" I asked.

He hesitated. "I don't need it." He said, and I was just about to ask him why. "I sell drugs." His voice was calm, and he talked slowly. He looked at me, waiting for some kind of reaction, or waiting for me to say something. And I wanted to, but somehow I was lost for words.

But it was bad, he was bad. I removed myself from him, so we weren't so close. I kept on having the thought that he was bad for me. That he was a bad influence on me. But he was the opposite, and that fact was hard to admit. He did help me, and he made me feel better. It was just all the things he did, that made me think whether or not I should keep on talking to him.

"Maggie," he said, but I didn't react. "Mags look at me," he placed his hands on my cheeks again, and my eyes caught his. His hands were warm, heating me face temperature up.

"I'm still the same, alright?" He tucked a hair strand behind my ear. "it's just.. I have to do it."

I knew it didn't make a difference about his personality, but it made a difference on the perspective I had. Even though it wasn't my business, and I didn't know why he did it, but in a way I was disappointed.

"Please say something." he almost whispered, after the silence I made.

I tilted my head slightly. "I don't know what to say."

And honestly I didn't. I didn't know how to react, because deep down I wasn't surprised, I just didn't see it coming. It was like every time I talked to him, something new about him, that he was hiding from me, was exposed.

He sighed, looking away from my face, but I didn't. He was wearing a black beanie, where only a few strands of his brown waves, were sticking out.

"Why do you need money so bad?" I said unsure. He gently brushed my hair back, his eyes followed. He kept doing that for almost twenty seconds, along with silence. His teeth tugged at his bottom lip, finally locking his eyes with mine again.

"I can't tell you." And there it was again, always something he was hiding from me. It always ended up bad.

"Why?"

He wet his lips with his tongue, the closing his eyes, as if he was considering. His hands went to the closed door I was standing up against, either sides of my shoulders. "Please," he moved his head close to mine, letting our foreheads touch, as usual. He slowly opened up his eyes. "Please, just let it go." He moved back, so he could see my expression. 

"Brad-" I was just about to explain to him why this was the exact reason. Why everything was so messed up, because of him always hiding a part of himself. And in some way, he knew.

"I know, Maggie." He spoke a little louder. "I just can't fucking tell you, because..." He looked down for a second. "I don't want you to worry about me. I'm scared that it is gonna ruin everything."