unexpected - b.w.s

66. Lost

I looked around trying to find Katy, but she was nowhere to be seen. About 5 minutes ago, she asked me if I could come pick her up. The party was loud and crowded as usual.

I looked after her, but too many faces was standing in the way. Too many unknown. I turned around, discovering the known silver rings. The hands were around a girls waist, and I look up noticing they were kissing.

As if he knew, his eyes fluttered. The opened up first looking at something else, but then discovering me.

His harsh piercing eyes, stared into mine. I could only see the half of his face, since he was kissing the girl. I didn't know her, but I felt jealous. Deep down I knew she was just another girl to him. But a part of me was scared that she was the exact same girl like me. That he treated her the same way he did to me. He cared about her, he made her feel special.

The way his hands grabbed her around her thin waist, reminded me of when his hands were on mine. It reminded me of when he kissed me.

But it was true. He did go back to sleep with different girls. I wanted to tell him that Tyler didn't take my virginity, but there was no point. He had moved on.

(Brad)

Me, being the comeplete fucked up human being, kept on kissing the random girl. She didn't know I was staring at somebody, she didn't know I loved someone.

Maggie stood there, looking at me. I had bo idea what she was doing. She didn't attend to many parties.

We didn't say anything to each other, she didn't move, and I didn't stop kissing the girl. I wanted to, but I had to get her money. She was the type who didn't just have sex, without a comeplete makeout session before. I fucking hated that. But I needed the money.

He told me that if he didn't get them, we wouldn't have a deal anymore. That's how fucked up my dad was. But I had to, otherwise we had to leave. My mother didn't even know that I still spoke with him, but it would just be wrong to say.

I didn't want to put any of this on Vanessa or her. They didn't deserve it. They didn't even know that he is alive. I'm the only one in the family who speaks to him.

I was drunk and I lost myself. I always did, whenever I lost her. I couldn't concentrate, I constantly beat people up, had sex with girls, I didn't know. Girls that I didn't want to know.

I hurt people. I let them down. I'm fucked up, but I tried. I don't think I was ready to admit how much she meant to me.

Why couldn't I just hate her? Hate the way she laughed, the way her eyes glistened when they looked into mine. Hate her soft lips, hate they way she was flawless. All pure and shit.

But I had to hurt her. Let her down. I was violent, cold, bitter. She was the exact opposite. If I looked at her now, I don't think I would've liked her. I didn't like her the first time I saw her. She wasn't special, she wasn't pretty. I only thought about the sex, and the amount of money I would get.

She was a virgin, and I thought every virgin was weak. She wasn't like that. She wasn't even thinking about sex. It turned out, she had other problems to worry about, and I was participating on making them worse.

I guess something was dragging me towards her. I had never felt like that, and it ended up in me, falling in love with her.

I missed her. The way her hair flowy along the the wind. How she always got a little nervous when I was near. But in a good way. It hurts, thinking about her. Mainly because I knew that she didn't feel the same about me. And I guess I'll always have a thing for her.

I stopped kissing the girl, walking away from her. She wasn't even worth it. I couldn't stop compairing her lips with Maggie's. It was so annoying. Maybe it was better with the drugs, it sold more. The only problem was, I couldn't stop taking them myself. I wouldn't take them if it wasn't for her. Something about the thought of her, made me stressed out.

It was like I needed to get her off my mind, and the drugs was there to help. I hated the way she always was my only thought. The only thing I cared about.

I didn't just talk to her, I didn't just kiss her. I didn't just let her go. She had to be on my mind constantly.

I didn't do anything about it. She didn't love me. It was just that simple.

She was everything I wanted. Everything I couldn't have.