If the Marauders texted 3

CURSED CHILD SPOILERS READ ONLY IF YOU'VE READ

*I WARNED YOU*

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First of all, I'm calling it the Cursed Fanfiction because that shit is a fucking fanfic. What the actual heck, man, siriusly? What the hell is it with the demon snack lady that belongs in Percy Jackson? And this schist about Lord Voldemort's son/daughter/Malfoy and or Rearrange children... I've honestly read better fanfics than that.

And now, a headcanon involving Sirius Black, first year, and the escape from the Hogwarts express. (not involving Fred and George Weasley)

"I'm screwed. That's it. Done, finished. James, what am I going to do?"
Sirius stared out the window and sighed. Remus looked up from his book.
"Give it a rest, mate."
Sirius looked away from the window and at Remus.
"You don't know my family! I've been sorted into Gryffindor, the only one for centuries! The only Gryffindor I know that's even in my family that hasn't been disowned yet."
James placed his hand on Sirius's shoulder.
"Don't worry. It's just three months, give or take. You'll survive."
Sirius sighed again and looked back out the window. Peter shifted nervously in the seat next to Remus.
"Well, Sirius, I- I have an idea."
Peter squeaked. Sirius looked up.
"I'll take anything."
Peter looked around the compartment nervously.
"Well, what if you never made it to the platform?"
James stared at Peter quizzically and Remus set down his book. If Sirius had been a dog, his ears would have perked up.
"I- I know there's a town just by the tracks, not Hogsmeade. My grandmother lives, in an elderly wizard home there. Most wizards there are nutters, but there's tons of abandoned houses in the area. You could camp out there for the summer."
Now of course, this was a terrible idea. But Sirius Black was a reckless first year, Peter Pettigrew wasn't always the brightest, and James Potter was willing to help everyone. Remus Lupin, however, wasn't trilled about the idea.
"You've got to be kidding, mate."
He said as James helped Sirius open the window.
"Nah, just crazy."
Sirius leaned out the window.
"I don't see this town you're talking about, Peter."
Peter pointed out the window.
"Right there."
Sirius slid back in the compartment.
"That's pretty far away."
Just then, the trolley witch came by again.
"Anything from the trolley, dears?"
Sirius and James quickly stood in front of the open window.
"No thanks, miss. You've already come 'round here, so we're good."
James smiled. The trolley witch nodded.
"Well, then I hope one of you would help me get sorted out, if I've been here before."
James stepped forward, but the trolley witch was already pointing at Sirius.
"How about you, dear?"
Sirius looked at James in confusion, but then stepped forward.
"I don't think-"
"Oh please, I insist. Come with me dear. I do need help. Aren't you Gryffindors chivalrous?"
Sirius nodded and walked out with her.
"I'll help too!"
James exclaimed, but the trolley witch shook her head.
"No, I just need him. Thank you, however."
She waved her hand and the window slammed shut. The door slammed shut after her and Sirius jumped.
"Well, dear? Aren't you going to follow me?"
She asked.
"I thought I was supposed to-"
The trolley witch interrupted Sirius.
"Of course dear. Now, I know you're trying to escape. I can't let that happen, you know."
Sirius's eyes widened.
"How do you...?"
The trolley witch smiled.
"It's been well over a hundred years and I've never lost a student. Now tell me, why do you want off?"
Sirius looked away and shrugged.
"Dunno, miss."
The trolley lady nodded and picked up a pumpkin pasty.
"Hmm. I don't believe that."
She showed him the pasty.
"Things are never what they seem, dearie. Take this pasty, for example. It's actually something that most muggles would call a, a grenade, I believe."
Sirius backed up.
"No one leaves this train until they reach their destination."
She suddenly looked very scary. Sirius quickly went for his wand. The witch, however, smiled.
"Now, do tell me why you're trying to escape, now."
Sirius lowered his wand.
"It's just- My family- they're all Slytherin, and I'm a Gryffindor, and a Black, so..."
The trolley witch smiled.
"Ahh. Say no more. Family problems. Don't worry, you'll live."
Sirius glared at her.
"You don't know my family."
The trolley witch laughed.
"Oh dear, it's been well over a hundred years, I've seen generations of Blacks come and go, all Slytherin. Don't worry, sweetheart, you'll live for three months."
Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but the trolley witch shushed him and handed him a pasty.
"Now, if you ever find yourself in trouble with them, use this. My treat. Something in the spices affects them, a genetic allergy."
She winked at him.
"And remember, no one leaves my train."

Several years later, Sirius Black, fifth year, was leaning out the door of the train.
"Ready, James?"
"Ready!"
Shouted a voice over the wind. The two of them looked back and a smirking Remus Lupin, who was looking up and down the hallways.
"No one in sight, boys. Go for it."
Sirius gave a whoop, and jumped. He found himself pulled back in the train by the collar of his shirt.
"Hey, what-"
"Muggle bungee cords, now that's new. However, you are leaving, and I can't let that happen. I'll tell you, like I've told you every year, Mr. Black, that no one, I repeat, no one leaves my train."