Patient: Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Doctor: Lay on the couch, face down.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Doctor: Don't let people push you around.
Coach: We have a great team this year. So far we have had no losses, no draws and no goals scored against us.
Reporter: How many games have you played?
Coach: The first one is next Sunday.
1st boy: What did you do on Mothers Day?
2nd Boy: I tried to help a few girls become a mother.
Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years.
Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.
First boy: She has a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin has the glow of a peach, her cheeks are like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you?
Second apple: Worms, I think.
Girl: How much is a soft drink?
Waitress: Fifty cents.
Girl: How much is refill?
Waitress: The first is free.
Girl: Well then, I'll have a refill.
Girl: Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.
Boy: Of course. What's your phone number?
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
Doctor: You do look a little pail.
Tom: I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare.
Fred: William Shakespeare's dead, silly.
Tom: No wonder he hasn't replied.
BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell!
Doctor: Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!
Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!
Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.
Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?
Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.
Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year.
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man.
Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
