Teacher: You've been e-mailing other pupils that I'm ugly!
Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn't realise you wanted to keep it a secret.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you'll be fat and useless when you grow up.
Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
Teacher: Why were you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: You mean you need to sleep at home too!
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters?
Pupil: Stop taking baths?
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
Teacher: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference?
Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference?
Teacher: If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left?
Pupil: I don't know.
Teacher: Why not?
Pupil: In our previous school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
Teacher: What is can't short for?
Pupil: Cannot miss
Teacher: And what is don't short for? Pupil: Doughnut!
Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved.
Pupil: Thank you.
Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!
Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?
Pupil: The horse will draw it!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Teacher: Why didn't you answer me?
Pupil: I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you!
Fred: I've added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answers!
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Teacher : What are you reading?
Pupil : I dunno!
Teacher : But you're reading aloud!
Pupil : But I'm not listening!
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!
