A Voice Unheard - Part II: Poetry

Nothing to Nobody

If you find me cold and distant,

Just know it's your own doing,

If you find me heartless and disinterested,

Just understand that I couldn't take the game anymore,

Maybe you don't understand what neutrality means,

Or maybe you did and you found it an incredibly herculean task,

The same way that I find holding on to you to be a thankless lonely affair,

I thought everything I ever did,

For you and everyone else would be enough,

To choose me as well, or at least make an attempt to hold on,

Clearly I was wrong,

I am used to being treated like dirt,

It is the only life I know,

And now I understand why,

It's because I allow it to happen,

I do not attach a price to my love and my care,

It's a free for all, come and take what you can,

For long I have lived under same misconceived idea,

That we owed each other something,

That because we have been friends for so long, and loved each other so much,

I thought all of that would mean something,

But as one of you very wisely said, everything is momentary,

I guess that is how it is for you,

Never has it been that way for me,

I get attached, I hold on with the idea that I will never have to let go,

With each passing day of being in your company,

I knit you in to my heart,

No wonder I feel so betrayed all the time,

No wonder I feel unwanted and unloved,

Because the people whom I love, I love till hell and back,

I stand by you through everything,

Hold your hair back when you wretch out in a drunken stupor,

Hug you when some new fool breaks your heart,

Guide you as much as I know through your troubles at home,

Make you feel good again when someone else stomps on your soul and says you are boring or dumb,

Pray for you when things fall apart in your life,

Rejoice with you through every victory,

Even love and support you to reach those victories,

And I did all of that because I love you,

Gratitude for things you have done is also another reason why I do all of this,

I learnt each of you and behaved the way that I thought you needed,

Because I knew you were all going through your own hells,

And I wanted to be the one person who would give you a taste of heaven, if only for a moment,

You said you aren't taking sides.... I don't think you know what that means,

Not taking sides means spending time with me as well,

Movies together, lunches out together, with me as well,

Or even something as basic as sitting with me in class,

I get lonely too,

Just because I am more sincere and genuine and other people like me enough to help me through this,

Doesn't mean you neglect me.

I may have "my friends" now, but I miss you too,

And I am not the sort to ask for help,

Because far too many times in my life I either been mocked for asking or been denied out right,

My life has not been easy, and I have been bitter,

In many ways I haven't dealt with things well, so that made things harder,

But hey, I was a kid growing up in hell,

With nothing making sense and no one to help,

For years on end I have done my own thing without a single soul,

I didn't think it would come down to that even with you,

And the fact that it did, tells me something.

It tells me that I have not learnt from my mistakes,

I trust too much, I love too much, and I help too much,

I believe in the milk of human kindness more than I should,

I reject the bad and accept only the human good,

Even if that good is in far less a proportion to the bad,

I blissfully ignore that because coming from the hellhole I was in, I've grown up with the idea that nothing in life is ever going to go the way you want,

I made one error in that judgment - I forgot that I can at least make an attempt to make things work in my favour,

And if it is, I do not have to stay and suffer,

Now when I speak of anything, I don't even get a reply,

Is that how tedious it is to deal with me?

Is it so difficult to find the time for me?

Am I that much of a burden on you, that you cant even reply? One nice word or at least a hi,

If that is the case then I am sorry to have disrupted your lives,

And bored you to tears with my woes and pain,

I will leave you in peace, so that your lives are no longer wasted in taking care of me,

I will forever be grateful for everything you did; and in comparison to every other friend I have ever had you have done far more for me,

You have chosen your side, and for that I have no control or say,

But for the sake of whatever little self respect and pride I have, I have to tell you I am done,

We can debate endlessly on whether sides were really taken or not, but the fact is you are never with me,

Something that is plain for all to see.

So for the sake of all our sanity,

And for the good times we shared,

For all the love that went around, and the pain that we had to bear,

I'll love you forever and for always because for me nothing is ever momentary,

You may think things in life are, but when you really look at it they are not,

In time I hope you understand that, and the fact that you have hurt a good person,

Flaws are there with all of us, but if you touch your hearts even you will say,

I made bright so many of your days, but I guess that does not matter now cause I need to let go,

I am nothing to nobody, that's how I always feel,

But guess what? I am no more, nothing to me.