"I know I can't tell you what to do. Wala naman akong magagawa kung susunod ka dun, I just want you to know that if it was up to me, I would really want to go alone," I said sincerely.
True naman kasi kahit anong sabi ko sa taong to, kung gusto nitong umalis, aalis naman talaga to.
Thomas took a few moments of just staring at me as if I'm the hardest science project to finish. I watched him silently as his face morphs into different expressions, from confused to scares to angry to I don't know.
"Why?" he eventually asked. The happy, enthusiastic and joking Thomas earlier was already gone. I'm looking at the serious and business-like Thomas right now.
"I don't know," I just said. I don't want to tell him that the real reason that I want to go solitary is to think about of what I want to do with my feelings for him that are all coming back now. "I just want to go by myself. Mas mabilis... ano... less distraction..."
Then he became silent again but without removing his eyes from me.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked with a tinge for pain in his voice.
"No," I immediately argued. "No, wala. Ano ka ba, Thomas? I know napag-usapan na natin to before na sasama kayo ni Tyrone. Pero naisip ko na mas mabuti na ako na lang muna. Mabilis lang naman eh."
"Is that what you really want?" Thomas asked expressionless.
I nodded. I imaginary crossed my fingers. Pumayag ka please.
On the other hand, Thomas' face is making me uncomfortable. He looks super sad and somehow disappointed. He seemed to be confused of my request. I can't exactly read his expressions. He just looked gloomy and dejected.
"Is this about what happened the other night?" Thomas asked again.
I didn't know what to say but the truth is, he is right. It is about that night. That night really confused me.
Back when I was still in London, I have absolutely resolved everything in my mind. My goal in life shifted completely around Tyrone. I just want to raise him the best way that I can, provide him everything that he needs and watch him live his life. Those were the only things that I wanted for the rest of my life.
I already knew what I wanted to do. I didn't think about my own relationships. I was happy and resolute. I had no problems with my parents. They're both relatively healthy and happy. My brother is stable. My grandparents are on the sunset of their lives. Everything is in place.
And then we came home, saw Thomas, and my life is turned upside down, once again. He came and then brought so much more in my life again. Another set of family for my son. And I don't know where to put them.
And then there's him. I'm in love with him, for pete's sake, AGAIN. What am I supposed to do with that? Should I allow him back to my heart? But I'm already happy and contented with my life now. What assurance can he give that I will be even happier when he's in my life? Am I willing to sacrifice the peace and serenity that I have now? Am I willing to take the love jump again compromising my already okay life?
So many questions that need answers. How can I answer all those questions if he's all over me, distracting me. See? I really need this.
The plan is to detach myself for a bit so I could think and if I could gauge myself if I could still go on without him when I know that I love him.
