Online Diary

Feel my way through the darkness, guided by an beating heart

Dear diary

Might as well be honest. TONS have happened. D asked me out, on a date. I rejected him kindly. And now I can't stop thinking about it. Somewhere deep inside I knew it, but I just kept denying it. I feel so lost. Like I´ve lost myself somehow. I was happy with my life but it feels like depression is hitting me, hard. I don´t know what it is but it feels like something is dragging me down.

I´m thinking about all the things that happens in life. We break trust, and broken trust is like a mirror. It´ll never be the same again. Other things just fade away from your hand, slowly. And you don't even notice it until it´s gone because you´re so busy.

We´re having dreams we don´t pursuing. Something is holding us back, is it the fear of failing? Or is it just the lack of confidence. I lose my dream among the choices. There´s so much I want to do and accomplish. I want to find my guy, but I also want to go explore the world. I want to do crazy stupid things but I have this stupid thing in my brain telling me not to disappoint my parents. I want to be loved, to be perfect. But sometimes it just seems like I´m messing things up.

I´m stressed, I feel suffocated. On top of all this, christmast is coming up. Great, another problem. Maybe I need to look at this with another perspective. Turn it around and think positively. I´m trying hard. But sometimes, it feels like everyone is hating me, behind my back. And I hate that feeling. To be unliked, unloved. I´m trying too hard and that makes everything just wrong. I care too much about appereance, weight, grades. Yeah.

So, I probably shouldn't have let D hold me. At the movienight at my place. I threw a cushion on him, and he just sat on me and then he held me. Was it stupid of me? I clearly rejected him the other day. It makes me feel dirty, and fake. Just needed to write things off my shoulders.

xoxo