KHIP-HOP Mini Series

Giriboy 02

"I'll take care of you when there is no one"

I shouldn't have come here. 

I've hurt him again. 

I can see it in his eyes. 

The way he looks at me, holds me, he treats me like if I have the words fragile stamped on my body. Even when I'm drunk I still acknowledge this. I was trouble, breaking everything that I touched, hurting everything I didn't want to hurt. Which is why I refused to let him show me any amount of affection. 

I rather him hate me and hate me forever. 

But that goofy smile and laughing voice is what makes it so unbearable, what makes me sob even harder while he undresses me one by one as I sit on the toilet seat. "Shh, Areum." He says calmly. 

I can tell he's hurt with every inch of exposed skin he uncovers the bruises so vivid, the anger that boils in his eyes as his breathing grows heavier. Leaving me with only my bra and underwear he picks me up in his arms, cradling me like a baby before sinking me into the tub full of luke warm water. 

He doesn't say anything, we let the silence swallow up whatever words his heart was holding. Scrubbing the shampoo into my hair as the water soaked his clothes wet, he wrapped his arms around me, burying his face on my neck, I wanted to say I was sorry that I wouldn't do it again...but it would be the same as him telling me to hold on a bit longer, that he'll make it big soon...

We both knew those were just comforting words. 

After my bath he stays in the shower a bit longer changing out of his wet clothes into a different pair of clothes while I adjust his clothes that he lent me that are a size too big on me. Giriboy comes out the shower slinging his arm over my shoulder while we move through his small apartment. 

Laying in bed, we face each other. "Thank you." I tell him.

He shakes his head, shrugging it off. 

"Stay here a while." He asks. 

I look down briefly while he wraps his arms around me again, pressing our foreheads together. "Please." He whispers quietly as if someone might hear us. 

"I can't." I whisper back. "I can't keep doing this to you." 

He shakes his head. "I care about you." 

That was the problem he was the only one who wasn't selfish. He didn't take from me he only gave while I fed off his kindness. "Areum, jehbahl." (please)

"You're the only one I have...please." I pause. "Don't." 

Sighing he gives up on the topic and instead closes his eyes. I finally look up at him starring at him as he falls asleep, his tight grip on me loosens up the further he drifts to sleep. How many times have we been here before?

The same bed, same nights, same tears, same words. We were going in endless cycles. As much as I prayed for his success I knew that deep down I was the one holding him back while he was the one holding me together. "Mian." I say. 

Closing my eyes. 

The next day as Giriboy left to go perform a show he wrote me a note and left me some money that he got from last night's show before heading out. Thinking it was best to leave again when he wasn't here I headed out the door. 

Passing by other unfamiliar places wondering where in Seoul's red light district would I work tonight. It was already late at night when the streets where buzzing with filthy men looking at the glass windows where the women who worked the nights sat behind. Picking my spot I stood making sure I looked as vulnerable and innocent as possible. 

It didn't take long before one came for me, I guess that was the one blessing I could thank my birth mother for, my looks. 

He leans in and whispers he'd buy me something good to eat, even says he'd rent a hotel where we could spend the whole night. Usually these kinds of guys don't come so often, he whispers into my ear how he wants to hold my hand, pretend we're a couple. 

Putting on a show, I do. 

The further away from the red light district we go the more I can't lift my head to look at wherever it is we're going. He walks further in front taking me by the hand as he takes the lead, I can hear a loud heap of music come from all directions. 

We're stepping into a club where a group is crowded together watching an artist perform. 

I can't really see because of how dark it is inside of here but the sudden flashing lights into the crowd and onto the stage as he's immersed in rapping his lyrics suddenly sounds so familiar that I freeze up in my tracks. 

The man who brought me here begins to tug at my hand, urging me to keep on walking forward. 

My heart stops. 

"No, it can't be." I whisper. 

"Because I like her
Even though I know what kind of person she is, I like her
I already know she's seeing another guy
But she doesn't know that I know, that's how innocent she is" 

I swallow the lump in my throat, completely immersed by his charisma, free flow, and expression. I'd never seen him preform like this before. 

"I don't wanna be just a good person to you

If I wanna date a girl like you
How much do I have to take?
Where are you going today?
I guess this is how the world is
I guess this is how love is."

When the music stops, he finally opens his eyes, I look away from the stage and let him take me wherever it is he wanted to, but when I turn back to look at the stage he's already seen me, hopping off the stage he pushes through the crowd of fans that surround him but they're pushing him further back while he leads me away. 

"Areum!" Giriboy shouts. 

He's pleading me with his eyes not to do this, not to go away again. But this is what I do, this is how I've survived, off the money of older men. This poisoned beauty has kept me alive, and no amount of love could keep me alive, because this world isn't run by love. 

He of all people should know that. 

I look away now, shaking my head, as we head for the exit. 

And once we're outside, he introduces himself to me, saying how today will be the luckiest day of my life. But I'm not listening to whatever he's saying, I'm too caught up in these overwhelming memories to listen. 

I remember the first night I came to Giriboy's place, with a busted lip which I received from my first older boyfriend whom I stayed with for a total of 7 months. "Just wait until I get more money." He says. "I'll take care of you." He promises. 

How childish was it of us, to feed off each other's pain and kindness. 

(To be continued)