KHIP-HOP Mini Series

Giriboy 03

" I'm tired of smiling as if I understand."

3 weeks later

I looked at myself in the mirror.

Looked at what I had become.

How could I have let the pain win?

How could I have become so weak?

Once again do the bruises on my face reminded me of the type of life I lead.

The people I've hurt.

And the wounds I carried.

But there was one thing I knew now for sure, I was alone.

This time for sure I've ruined everything.

But what was worse was that I knew all this, and bluntly accepted it.

__

I stumbled out the apartment complex my last helper got for me, last night's fight pretty much confirmed I was out the picture.

Somehow for the first time in a while my heart hurt. I felt lonely because the truth was I am lonely.

I don't deserve kindness but I will take all the pity I can get if it means I can have a better life.

I found myself walking the streets at night pondering what I was going to do with myself.

I can't hold a decent job, school is too expensive and my parents well I can't really rely on them.

As I thought of all this I found myself at the footsteps of his place. I knew I shouldn't be here that I was just going to make things harder on him. But tonight was different.

A part of me wanted to believe that through all this pain and crap in my life that he was the one decent thing...the one good outcome of it.

I didn't knock or ring the bell I already knew the pass code, instead I took my time entering the familiar place seeing how nothing had changed.

As I looked around I thought that maybe the intentions in my heart that night were intentions that I should have had sooner. For the first time since knowing him I didn't realize how much he meant to me and how much I needed him.

I didn't realize any of that.

Until I saw him brushing her hand with him thumb whispering sweet things in her ear, when I saw them giggling as they watched the movie I realized that these possessions these things around me hadn't changed, that they had stayed the same.

But our hearts.

Our hearts hadnt.

That I wasn't the only one trying to find a place in someone's heart.

But I guess he'd just given up on me too.

She finally looks up and meets my eyes, she's just everything he likes in a girl, everything I'd never be.

Pure and innocent.

Gasping her eyes don't leave mine until finally he too turns and looks my way. And that's when I run.

I flee his place and put as much distance between me and whatever stupid thoughts I had in mind.

Because it was all my fault.

None of that would have happened if I'd chosen to stay with him that night.

The faster I ran the more my chest hurt to the point where I collapsed somewhere in the middle of the street.

A couple of bystanders stopped to try and help but I pushed them all away and headed for the dark, I knew what I had to do to make it all go away.

To make the pain all go away.

-

It doesn't take long for the cool liquid to burn my throat and for the buzz to make me feel more at ease while the tears finally dry off. I continue standing at the corner where I knew my work would come by and as I waited the flashes of what a perfect love could have looked like make my life more miserable.

I kept thinking to myself, that should've been me.

Still I was selfish, I deserved it because I let it happen.

I had no right to be mad or sad.

I chugged down some more before finally a car pulled up around the corner. I had just set the bottle down on the ground and fixed up my hair a bit. I didn't feel like smiling tonight and instead did my best at cat walking over to the car where the driver rolled down the window. I bend over and just when I was about to greet him, I froze.

He doesn't look at me, he just stares off out into the road.

What was he doing here?

I'm too shocked to even say anything, instead all I can do is stare. "How much?" He asks.

"Giriboy?" I mutter.

Still he won't look at me. "How much?" He repeats.

I swallow back the tears. "250." My voice trembles.

He finally turns and leans over to pull the door open for me. "Get in." He says.

With trembling hands I pull the door wide enough to be able to step inside and when he drives off without saying or looking at me I don't have the courage to speak. I'm too much of a coward to ask why his eyes look like he'd been crying, why his fists look bruised as if he'd punched a wall, instead the coward in me lets the silence eat up whatever I'd been holding back.