Alina's Past Lives.

The Monster Within.

~*~Tennessee, a month later~*~

We had spent the past month tracking a pack of werewolves. Klaus's first ingredient for hybrids. But werewolves were scarce these days, vampires had hunted them to the brink of extinction. We didn't have a lot of down time. Klaus was very persistent on completing his hybrid experiment. We had little time together and very few brief intimate moments. It seemed to be all work at the moment. I was also not in a rush. I was still feeling the effects of Alina's life and the love she felt for her sister and Damon. It was clear to me the Klaus knew this and was giving me time to adjust. But I was still just as conflicted as the day I left mystic falls I was just getting better at hiding it. In the mean time we focused on our lead which led us to Tennessee.

Klaus wielded me like a weapon, I was his sword in his crusade to create hybrids. We were building an army so big that Mikeal would never dare to come after us. And when we we're ready we would kill him and wake the rest of our sleeping family. Once Mikeal was gone we would be free to make roots again, to make a real home again without fear of him tracking us down again. I wanted that more than anything in this world yet I still found myself dwelling on my idiotic life as Alina in Mystic falls. Even though I tried to hide it, I missed my life there. I was trying very hard to forget Alina and all of her human emotions, her memories, her sadness. But I couldn't. She was a part of me and the more I denied this the harder it was becoming to live my life. But how? How was I supposed to be both sweet innocent loving protective Alina and tough self-assured selfish manipulative Thalia I was. It was like black and white and somehow I was supposed to find a shade of grey to live in. I was trying too hard to be Thalia for Klaus because I loved him and he waited so many years for his love to return to him and he deserved to have her. But I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty for leaving Mystic Falls. For leaving Elena. As much as I denied it I missed her. I missed my sister. That's what she was to me even if I acted on the part of me that was Thalia. I would always have Alina in me and that meant I would always be Elena's sister. I still, even through death and rebirth, felt protective of her. I could have easily told Klaus Elena was alive yet I did not. For some reason I missed laughing with her, arguing with her, doing stupid sisterly things. I felt so incredibly guilty for just leaving her, for treating her so harshly. I was so lost then, everything was so overwhelming I felt like I needed to be the monster everyone said Thalia was. But I knew now that she wasn't. I wasn't. I was beginning to feel more like Alina than I anticipated. I was learning to balance the scales between these very different women in me. I know how Thalia is supposed to think and do things but I was different this time around. I had pieces of Alina inside me to change things. I knew Klaus was picking up on this by his continuous testing of my loyalty. I couldn't tell him about all this because I knew he'd be upset so I did something I probably shouldn't have. I wrote a letter to Elena. With no return address I figured it could be harmless.

(Elena~

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at time seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole again. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing I dream of a love that even time will lie down for and be still for. I dream of the woman I want to be. Not Alina, not Thalia, but both. That is who I am. I have accepted that now. I will never be just one or the other again, I will always be both. I don't know how to be both and keep everyone who loves me happy but I am trying. I love Klaus so I try to be Thalia for him, but I am now realizing how much I miss you. I miss my sister. This changes nothing really other than that I am accepting it now and not denying it. I feel this will only make things harder for us. You have to stay away from Klaus because he thinks you are dead and I won't leave his side because I love him. I know you must think I am being controlled or held against my will but you are wrong. I didn't fall in love with Klaus I walked into love with him. With my eyes wide open choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny but I also believe we are only fated to the things we'd choose anyway and I'd choose Klaus. In a hundred lifetimes in a hundred words in every version of reality I'd choose him. My love for him is effortless and everlasting. Don't be sad or angry I want to be here with him. I have returned to him, to my home and I am determined to be happy here.