Shutter >>josh dun<<

>>23<< What Have I Done?

I've been home for a couple weeks now, and I'm definitely feeling the effects of leaving Josh in LA. He calls and FaceTimes me every day, checking up on me and trying to convince me to move out with him.
"But I miss you," The pouting drummer's voice sounded through my phone's speakers.
"And I miss you too, but I can't just move my whole life because my boyfriend misses me," The sadness was audible in my counter.
"It's not just me though!" Josh was very admit about me moving. "I talked to your dad and he thinks it's a great idea, and there are a ton more concerts in LA than Columbus,"
He made some pretty valid points. "Josh, I really want to, trust me, I'm just not in the position financially right now," A photographer isn't the highest paying job out there, but I can manage in a place like Columbus. Los Angeles on the other hand, was not an option right now.
"I'll help-"
"I can't ask you to do that. Josh thank you so much for offering and I know you are still going to try no matter what I say, because that's the kind of boyfriend you are, but I don't want to give you that kind of problem,"
"It's not a problem, Mae, I get that it's expensive and you don't want to 'be a burden' but babe, this is something I want to do for you," his hands formed little air quotes and his expression softened, "My last relationship ended because of long distance, and I don't want it to happen again. I don't know if you know what I feels like to not see someone you love in person for months but that's not something I want for either of us,"
I tried not to, but I was starting to get angry. "Yeah Josh, I do know what that's like. I moved across the country when I was 18, my best friend moved when I was 16. I left everything, I've been on tour. Sometimes I don't see my family for over a year, and let me tell you, it sucks.
I don't know if you know how it feels to sit at lunch by yourself because the kid that's been your partner in crime since kindergarten went to live his dream. Or to move somewhere completely new, where you don't know anyone, to walk in to your dorm, praying that your roommate isn't a complete jerk," Tears of frustration blurred my vision and spilled down my face. "I don't think you know what I feels like to lose someone that meant the world to you," Flashbacks of 7th grade flooded my brain and the tears fell harder.
I waited in 2nd hour for one of my best friends, Breanna, to walk in. I caught word of a car accident near the school via eves dropping, but didn't think much of it. The bell rang and still no Bre. She hadn't met me in our usual spot this morning, which was weird as she was almost never absent. Halfway through class, two police officers entered our room, removing their hats and asking to make an announcement. Our teacher nodded and they spoke.
"We regret to inform both YOU and your class, Mrs. Greenwell, but Breanna Williams was killed in a car accident this morning, our condolences to her family and friends," They thanked Mrs. G for her time and left. I immediately broke down in tears. I sat in the counselors office the rest of the day crying, not knowing what else to do.

"The point is Joshua, that I know. I know how it feels to have your heart stopped on by some jerk, I know how it feels to be lonely, and all you want is a hug from your mom, but she's thousands of miles away," My face was bright red and eyes were puffy by now.
"I think you need to calm down Mae,"
"You're probably right, but I'm not going to. This is something huge, I can't just let you give me $15,000 for an apartment, or move across America because I want to! I don't know what world you've been living in, but where I am, I have bills to pay, and a job, an apartment, my life was finally together, and then you came along!"

"Are you saying you wish you hadn't meet me?!" Josh was visibly holding back anger and tears.

"I-No! I just am frustrated and confused. This is really hard for me! I really don't want to argue about this Josh. I'm gonna have to call you back," I quickly ended the FaceTime and retreated into a fetal position and wrapping blankets around myself.

He hates you
You're so dumb why did you say that?
He probably never wants to see you again
What if you move and it doesn't work out?

Josh really does love me though.

Then why won't you move?
LA would be great for you
There's nothing really holding you here
Why don't you let Josh help?

My brain went into overdrive, thinking up scenarios that probably would never happen. I felt like I was suffocating, but at the same time had too much oxygen. I was drowning but there was no water. I was sweating but freezing. Everything was moving so fast, but also in slow motion. What is happening to me?

I wish Josh was here. He always knows what to do. He would give me a hug and his heartbeat would calm be down. Josh. 

What have I done?

•••
Wow. I started and finished that today I feel so proud of myself for that but also disappointed that I procrastinated. Oh well!

Vote, Comment, and Share!

-Abby ❤️🤘🏻👽