Just cuts.. ✔️

2 | Emotions

I don't want to offend anyone or trigger anyone so if u don't want to read about depression or self-harm I'll put ~~~ so when u see them just skip till u see them again. But there is loads of depressing thoughts in this. Sorry if this does offend anyone.

I found a seat near the back of the bus... I sit down beside an old lady who smiled at me as I sat myself down.

"Hello, how are you?" She smiled.

"I'm fine, thanks, how are you?" I lied.

I didn't want any to know how I really felt. I thought if I keep my feelings to myself no one can get hurt and no one could hurt me anymore than I hurt myself.

"Are you sure?" Her smiled disappeared. I just stared at her.

"I'm sorry, it's just looks like you were crying? Are you alright darling?"

She was really caring. No one's ever cared about me before.

"Yea, I was but I guess that's life and I'll make it through it."

if I even make it out alive. "But don't worry about me." I faked a smile.

"Ok but if you need help or anything talk to someone." She smiles as she gets up and walks off the bus.

~~

Talk to someone?

Someone who wouldn't give a shit? Just make fun of me because of the things I've done and my horrible past and present... no thank you!

No! Not everyone's like that!

Yes, they are!

My mind fights with itself making me just want to curl up in a bowl and die. Why do I have these thoughts? Why can't I talk to someone about them!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

******

The bus arrived at my school. I awkwardly stood up from my seat and stepped off the bus.

I started making my way towards school. Avoiding all eye contact with everyone. I can just feel everyone's eyes judging me... knowing my secret.

~~~~~~

'You're so ugly! Jeez!

Stupid! You'll never get the grades you want!

Attention seeker! You just want people to pay attention to you!'

No!!! No one knows! NO one will ever know! They can't!

'But they can see. You're a mess! You can't hide it forever.'

Shut up mind!

(When that happens, she's having a fight with herself in her mind)

~~~~~~

I tossed all the horrible thoughts to the back of my head. Hoping I can get through this day.

I walked through the school doors as everyone's eyes were focused on me.

Did I do something?

I could hear some laughing and whispering as I walked through the halls.

They're making fun of me!!! I just know it.

No, I can get through this! I walked towards my first class and waited till the bell went to go in.

I went in and sat on my usual seat at the back. Myself. Like always.

It was form class. As the teacher called out everyone's name for the roll. I put my head up to my name as I don't want to talk feeling like people will judge but just one word I'll say.

*****

After all the classes that I didn't listen in and just daydreamed. That was my escape from depression sometimes. But it doesn't always work.

It was lunch now, so I walked down stairs into the girl's toilets. I was hoping there wouldn't be anyone there but as usual I was wrong. There was loads of girls fixing their makeup, hair and just gossiping. I immediately turned around and started walking around the school looking for a better place to hide. And that's hard to find in a school full of people.

I finally found a place to hide. It was a dark class room that wasn't used anymore because the teacher left and no one else needed a room. It's always opened but no one goes in because people says it haunted. Bull shit!

I sat there was ages just looking at all the cuts and scars I have over my arm.

~~~~

Why do I do this to myself?

'Because you're a stupid, dumb fuck who no one cares about and all you do is pity yourself and don't think of anyone else!'

'No stop!!!!!!'

'Maybe the next time you cut you should just end it!'

(I'm so sorry!!!!)

No no no!

~~~~

I started screaming to myself and that then turned out as me clutching my knees and rocking myself back and forward crying.

I couldn't control it! My mind is my worst enemy. Your mind can be the bully that you hate but you can't stop it from doing what it's doing to you.

The door swung opened. I froze as my heart stopped. I didn't want anyone to see me like this.

The door closed reliving, Ken.

The worst bully in the school. He will make fun of anyone over the littlest thing. He always finds a way to hurt you and it never fails.

He moved he's dark brown hair away from he's face. He looked at me with wide eyes.

Instead of staying there and taking abuse I ran towards the door to try and escape.

But before I could get out ken's 'minions' jumped in front of me and stopped me from going away.

"Well well well." Ken said as he walked towards me.

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Ok I had to rewrite the last bit because some how it got deleted and I couldn't remember what happened last. I rushed the last bit sorry

Depression is no joke