Just cuts.. ✔️

17 | Deep Thoughts

*WARNING* KINDA MENTION OF SELF HARM SORRY!!!

I walked home in the cold rain as it came lasing down on me. I pulled my hood up over my soaking hair as it went curly. School ended and it was time to go home. The world can be cruel. Taking away everyone who I once loved. I can never keep anyone.

'I wonder why! 1st your stupid. 2nd your ugly. 3rd your personality is horrible and everyone hates you! I could go on but the list is so long.'

NO NO NO! The voices they're back. They always use to happen but they're back for another round. My depression is coming back..... I never got rid of them. But I thought the voices were gone I guess not.

'Just cut yourself! Your only doing it for attention you know that. Your not actually depressed you just people panicking over you like they care.'

I sighed as I kept walking. No point stopping these thoughts. Their always right and I can never stop myself having these thoughts. They're going to come back and haunt me everyday of my life until it gets too much.

Instead of going straight home I decided to stop by my dad's restraint and pay him a visit.  I haven't been here since the day I had suicidal thoughts and attempted it. The day... Craig saved my life. I don't know why he did but he did and I was mean to him. He was trying to help me. Be a friend but I pushed him away. Just like everyone else in my life. He wanted to show me that life wasn't as bad as I see things But no! I had to be mean.

I got to the restaurant where I went to my usual spot on top of the building. Where I sevat on the edge and tangled my feet over the edge.

"Hey dad. Sorry I haven't visited you in awhile. I ran away and met a guy, he was amazing like my best friend. You could of loved him he reminded me of Edward Jones remember him? From play school." I laughed as memories flashed in my eyes.
"I wish you were here. You would've of tracked him down and kick his ass for leaving him alone like that." I smirked to myself. My father was very protective over my feelings.
"I really don't want to be alone forever. It felt good to talk to someone who's alive and gets things off my chest but now I can't." I felt tears ready to come rolling down.

"I'm having them thoughts. I want to do it again. I want to get a blade to my skin again. But I told myself i wouldn't do it, but these thoughts telling me to do. I just want to feel again.The tears rolled down my cold cheeks giving me heat on them. Everywhere silence as my cries echoed through the sky. "I broke down letting my emotions go free so everyone could see.

********

I was laying on my bed when I could hear my mum fighting with Jim. They're been doing this a lot recently since my mum stopped drinking and realizing what's actually happening. I've learnt not to get involved as  I get abused even more after when I'm alone with Jim but my mum can be strong somethings and fight back for herself. She's a great women it's just she got effected a lot when my dad died and she wasn't happy or loving anymore but I'm going to try and help her if I make it through life and be happy once more.

"WHY DID I EVEN MARRY YOU!?!?!" I heard my mother shout at the top of her voice. I'm not surprised if the neighbors have rang the police. They're been at it for days now.
"I WANT A DIVORCE!!"

Yes! But when we tried to get away from him he wouldn't let us. He needs someone to abuse. A human punching bag. Me. And he wanted to look loved with a wife and not die old alone plus he gets money from my mum. I've never seen him do anything to be honest.

"HA! YOU CAN'T DIVORCE ME!!! IF YOU DO I'LL TELL THE POLICE YOU ABUSE PENNY!" He chuckled. He can't do that. There's proof that someone has been abusing me but I can just say it was Jim right?

"But she'll be called in and she'll say that's it wasn't me plus there's no proof." My mum fought back. She doesn't know the half

"Right. If that's what you think but if you do you'll go to jail and Penny will be stuck with me. Make your choice your happiest or your child's." The conversation stopped there and nothing else was said. If I wasn't born then my mum could of did that without worrying about me. Maybe life be better. Dad'll be alive and they'll both be happy together but life isn't like that.

*****

Days, Weeks went on as I continued to talk more to Craig and grow closer but fights still happened at home. I couldn't sleep at night with them downstairs shouting at each other as I sat in bed crying my eyes out.
I talked more to Craig as it felt good to talk to someone. But I never told him secrets or about the behind the scenes of my life but I could feel that he knew something was going on with me. I could see it in his eyes as he tried to figure me out but he failed every time when he sighed and then looked me in the eyes. I reminded to hide the cuts from the world. Life might go on for other people but mine might end soon.

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Thanks everyone who reads my book. It means a lot to me. THANK YOUS
Yea this might get deep quick again. I put something in here how I felt before but not saying what. :)))
Btw I'll probs will remember that Jones person for future chapters :D 

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