Just cuts.. ✔️

21 | Bye Bye Cruel World

*WARNING* tempted suicide. Don't read if u get trigger easily.

My heart started beating like mad as I grabbed a pen and paper. I swear my heart was about to jump out of my chest. It was complete silence in my house. It was just me home alone. No words or whispers were spoken all I could hear was my heavy breathing and my heart pounding.

I sat at my desk as my bright red, shakily hands held the pen to the paper and started writing a note. This is going to be the last thing I ever write. Might as well tell people what's been happening with me.

'Dear, family and friends?
It's my time to go and see my dad. After many years of stuffing and pain I'm finally leaving this world. I don't know what to say or how people will react but I do know no one will care when I'm gone. I won't change anything in the universe. I'm just another person who doesn't change anything. Since my dad died I haven't been myself. No one has. Over the years I've tempted this many times but I never put the blade deep enough in my vines till this day. I've been suffering from depression for years but I've never told anyone. I've kept it to myself then Jim came along and started abusing me. I felt. I felt again. But it was pain. I kept my mouth shut for so many years but when I'm gone you's will know. I've always felt worthless, dumb, ugly, useless, in everyone's way and so many more but I'll not bore you.

Mum. I love you. I will always, I know you change when dad died and you haven't been able to be with me. But I understand.

Ed. You're the first person I told about my depression, your the only one who understood me. My first real friend in a long time, I'm sorry I shouted at you. You helped me a lot without even knowing it. I love you!

Craig. Thank you. You're the one who tried helping me but I pushed you away from me. I wish I didn't but we got closer and began friends. You didn't judge me when you found out my secret. Love you.

Thank you everyone. Some day we'll met again. Please let me go.'

My eyes started tearing up writing it. I didn't say everything I wanted to or how I actually feel. My whole story but it was enough for them to understand why I'm doing this. I had to.
I needed to be free from this and this is the only way I can do that.

My breathing started increasing rapidly as I was balling my eyes out. My whole life. Memories started running into my head. Jim. Being bullied. My dad. Death. Self harm. Everything.

"You'll never find love! Your a freak! Your depressed!"

"I want daddy back! Please mummy!"

"Oh looks who's back! Did you have fun at your dad's funeral?"

"This is my new boyfriend. Jim."

"You selfish bitch!"

"Oh look it's the ugliest rat in school."

"Go die in hell just like your dad!"

"Oh looks who's crying again! Your a freak! No one likes you. You'll never be liked by anyone! Your hated. You ugly fat, desperate, dumb twat!"

All the things people ever said to me. Things that changed my life! All rushed in my heads. All nasty things. I couldn't help but fall on the ground and curl into a ball in the floor. I started thinking about everyone I love. I will miss them so much but we all need to let go. I couldn't stop myself from this now.

"I'm really doing this." I whispered.

I sat up and pulled a box from under my bed. I opened it to reveal everything I needed. I always kept this handy because I used it so often.
In the box was broken picture frames and mirrors. A knife. A blade of a shaver. Glass. Everything shape I could find in my house basically.

I grabbed the blade and held it in my shakily hands. I couldn't help but shake. My life was about to end. I sat on my floor looking directly at the blade with my waist out. Ready.

I slowly pressed it on my skin as I put more and more pressure on it. Hoping it'll go deep enough to end it. The pain. The satisfying pain. More tears escaped my eyes as the pain took over me. I couldn't help but cry and let out a little scream. That wasn't going to stop me though. I was determined.

I put more pressure as blood spilled out of my body and on to my clothes and the floor. I watched it slowly drip turn from my arm. A small smile appeared on my face when I saw the red liquid leaking from me. Time to leave. Just a bit more.... and I'll be free from this world. I'll finally end my pain. All the thoughts in my head can finally stop torturing me. My depression will be gone. This is the only way out.

I pushed harder on the blade. The world around me started to fade and go black. My eyes were heavy as they slowly closed. The room around me disappeared. It was dark. No pain. No worries. Nothing.

I finally did what I wanted to do for so many years and now it's over. Forever.

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I finally did it. I'm feel like I fell into a dark hole. I was thinking deep so decided to write a chapter. It's a bit shorter than usual btw. God.... what did I do!? Oookkkk! Bye!

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