Tell me why I am trusting him. Did he mean what he said last night? Do I still like his best friend? I told him so much in a week. I have been letting my walls fall down but I still don't know why. I guess I am tired of holding it all in. Tell the world, then the fake people will leave and the real ones will stay. He knows so much in such a little amount of time. Ruining my life by telling people. I have so much to say but it is like I lost my voice I feel like I am screaming it at the top of my lungs but no one hears me. They walk past and keep going never looking back to see me. Why is he trying? I need to back off so he doesn't leave like the others I need to change and be normal. Be normal that is what my mom said. I need to be normal. Is normal just not depressed. How does it feel to be normal? Will I have more friends if I am normal? He is still talking to me after a week that is a start. I am positive he won't end up like the others I won't let it happen not again two times was enough for me. I can't get screwed over again. It hurts so bad to see Gage and Ronnie. I feel their eyes burning into me everytime I walk past. I want it to be over. Can i just be me again without worrying that one of them is there? Ronnie leaves in December and Gage in June. Then it will be over and I will just have their memory to haunt me. I will never see their faces again, hopefully. He knows the basics about Gage, Maxwell does. He doesn't know about Ronnie, who stole my heart and ran away with it and everything I have kept a secret from anyone else. Ronnie knew it all and pretended to be there just to use me. It sucks being used by everyone in your life when all you want is someone to truly love you are care about you. Even a friend can hurt you. I just hope Maxwell is in this with good intentions not bad ones. He know about the things that make me upset. Still trying to understand why he is wanting to not hurt me. I want to know why he cares about how I feel. A week ago he hated me and we never said a word to each other. When we did it was never anything nice. He was mean and so was I. So many walls I have built up pushing out some amazing people. Why do I do this to myself? I ruin things for myself because of my negative outlook on things. I do this because I think nobody will like the real me but how would I ever know if I don't let them see the real me. Who even is the real me I don't think I have even figured that out myself? I need to find myself and find what makes me happy. My happiness will make me a way better person to everyone and everything around me. I can write draw speak to others sing I will do whatever it takes so I love me and others will finally like me. I want less enemies and so many more friends. Why can I not see to change. I feel forever stuck in my bad ways and habits. They say just make the change but it is so much harder than in words. I am no different than I was as a child. Small curled in a ball crying and scared never looking up to seeing who is trying to make sure I am okay. I feel like no one is fighting for me but there are people fighting but one of those people isn't me and that needs to change. Standing up for myself against my mom and my depression sucks because it would ruin what small bit of my relationship with my mom that I have left. It would hurt her but she has been hurting me since age 5 and I just want her to love me. She wants to divorce my dad but instead of doing so they just fight and scream and yell and I can't escape it. Always yelling and my dad always drinking. He was drunk a lot of my childhood and my mom has lied about me and everything she says is a lie for as long as I can remember. My family just says she tells stories, but stories have a good ending and hers never do. They always end with my dad or I as the bad guy and her and my sister as perfect angles. They can never do or be wrong. I can never be right or do anything right according to her, but Maxwell told me different last night and Angie and her mom tell me different pretty much everytime I see them. These are the people I need in my life so I can change for the better
